How To Civilise Your Elders - The Air Horn Lie

All over the media are authoritative voices with bold sound bites and superior, all-in-one political positions that you too can cut out and keep.

Perfect for navigating those tricky social events in the modern world, it's hard to go wrong when sticking to the script. The bubble of solidarity, easy identification of comrades with matching beliefs, it fulfills the religious vacancy in many people's lives. 

Occasionally they run into difficulty, though - at that time of year they return home for Christmas. 

Why? Well, they are evolved, urbane and politically conscious now. Some have moved to that London. Sadly, the people are home are, too often, troglodyte fash and a little bit of distance puts one hell of a new perspective on things. 

At home, no one can hear you scream. The raft of identically-minded folk only too happy to jump in and back you up have their own struggle sessions to organise and none of the argument is online. All of it is face to face. Full contact. Real. Memes, gifs and blocking are inaccessible gems of another life. 

Thus it's with a deep sense of foreboding they face the unsafe speech, transphobia and fascism of their uneducated parents and extended fam.

So, how do they effectively correct these inevitably terrible people?
Is it a simple case of shoving their Christmas dinner back at the bigoted idiot who cooked it? What is one to do? This is where our leftish media step in, with essential holiday advice. And I'm taking a peek at it.

First up, a classic in schooling transphobic oldies, we have PinkNews and their defiant ally tale.



Starting with a sympathetic nod to any one of us gritting our teeth around archetypal "transphobic Uncle Ted" (see, it's relatable) the piece rapidly pivots to the genius, totally real anecdote of one young man who's parents do not accept their daughter is really their son. It's a great story with a clever bit of acoustic terrorism:

"[the] advice of one amazing trans ally on social media, who shared their foolproof plan to derail family transphobia over the holiday season" trills PinkNews.

Here it is! 

Yes! Blast them to oblivion with industrial-level noise.

This legendary ploy has since inspired many to claim it as a tactic of their own.



Now, far be it for me to be a pedantic arse, but... 

At close range, an air horn emits 130 decibels. That's very, very fucking loud. That will hurt. 

It's equivalent to a jet take off and is enough to cause "complete aural destruction." 

Here's the unfortunate story of a girl who was punished with a blast from one, at, of all places, the dinner table.

How did our 'amazing trans ally' make it out with eardrums intact? Did he casually sit for dinner with ear protectors? And the aural destruction of the non-bigots, or even pets, in the vicinity is what? Unfortunate collateral damage?

The stream of Shit That Never Happened which flows so enthusiastically from TRAs is a marvel to behold. A significant amount appears to be inspired by something Jay Cartwright from the Inbetweeners would claim, but persistently passes for headline news in the gloriously gullible PinkNews.

"Obviously this style of parental training isn’t for everyone" says PinkNews "but if it worked for Pavlov and his dogs it’s surely worth a try, right?"

Ahaha, cheeky. Though, to be fair, I'm not sure Pavlov shattered the eardrums of his (very mistreated) hounds. 

Still, while the whole tale is as plausible as Kim Yong-Il's golf record, it's still a good indicator of the maturity of those who we're dealing with. 

For example, this righteous goblin thinks it's a great idea, even for a funeral. Breaking up the eulogy with sonic punishment, just like wotssiname would have wanted. 

Turning up at your parent's home, eating their food, waging a war of attrition on their speech and opinions to the point you assault everyone in the room, and still remaining the hero/victim, it fits the bill really well. 

Because their parents, these supposed reactionary dinosaurs, don't go about wrestling the thing off the obnoxious twat and taking a hammer to it. They don't kick their ungrateful shit of an adult child out. No, they simply submit and learn their lesson. Terrible bigots, just like the nazis.

If it was true, and the parents reacted by obeying, I'd almost think they deserve it for being such ineffectual mugs. Because, essentially, they've bred and unleashed these psychopathic despots on us all now. 

However, having seen, in some very recent family survival advice, the extent of psychological warfare some partake in to control family, I'm not sure I can say that.

That story, How I Deradicalised My Terf Mum, I'm looking at next and my lord, unless they're all still chatting shit, it is genuinely horrifying.