So, to follow on from what's up with cis, sis? I'm having a delve into the similarities between gender ideology and cults.
It's not to say that it uniformly and inevitably behaves in this way, but the unprecedented numbers of young people now seemingly absorbed into it, making their identities dependent on a complex and contradictory belief system, is striking.
There's an underhand strategy being pushed under a 'pro-trans' banner in the media, in public discourse, equality and diversity training and increasingly into our private conversations.
Trans prisoners, we're told, are the most vulnerable of the most marginalised. Struggling to get recognition, find the basic level of safety anyone should expect, all while stuck in an institution filled with men, some guilty of horrific crimes.
This is the rhetoric, from almost every major news outlet (for more on press depictions of trans prisoners, see Transgressionsand the prison resource page on this blog here.)
KQED have released a series of articles and videos on the plight of these prisoners, and they're not alone - there's plenty of media interest in this specific demographic - 1% of the male prison population. Because of the sole focus on the prisoner and their side of the story, it's not often possible to establish the crimes that have sent them down often for decades in high security. The prisoners use different names, normally without giving their born names, and give sanitised, abridged versions of their crimes.
I have sympathy for vulnerable people in prison. It is without doubt a place of violence, threat and, often, misery. But the endless focus on transwomen prisoners, rather than any other - young, effeminate, gay, or with learning or behavioural problems, or traumatised and mentally unwell, is vastly disproportionate to the numbers.
There's endless dismissal of women's concerns, with lines like this "One inmate, who is a trans man, expressed his response to these claims, which are founded in debunked myths that trans people access female spaces to prey on cisgender women"
Founded in debunked myths? Have they seen this blog?
“The complaints from the cis women here are that these are men coming here and they’ve been traumatized by men and so they shouldn’t have to live with them,” Mychal Concepcion told the Los Angeles Times. “I have repeatedly said that they’re women” "
However here (copy of paywalled LA Times article) is a woman in prison, Tomieka Johnson, saying "that she has survived domestic violence from a man and that it would be triggering to live with transgender people who haven’t had gender-affirming surgery. “I do think they should be safe, but it infringes on my right to be safe as well,” she said."
Does anyone care?
So I went through the inmates covered in this video, and this article, and did some digging.
First up we have
Yekaterina Wesa Patience - Robert Brendan Foster
Born Robert Brendan Foster (a somewhat less exotic moniker), Yekaterina, or Kat, features in many exposès and has a calm, centred disposition. It would seem.
"I identify as a woman, I should be in a woman's prison"
"Yekaterina West Patience, said she was twice raped in prison in the 1990s.
"Patience, 44, said she’d “love” to transfer to a women’s prison as well: "I think that would eliminate a lot of the problems of being sexually assaulted or being raped, pressured."
Why has Foster / Patience been in prison so long, and is it relevant? I think it is.
Foster was found guilty of the 1994 murder by slashing and strangulation of Tairree Lynn West, 25. After trial her daughter gave a statement “But none of this will bring my mom back,” said Luchessa (also known as Ashley), a sixth-grader who called 911 to report the attack, even though she had suffered a nine-inch gash from the top of her cheek to the middle of her throat."
"The gang broke into West’s apartment about 1:30 a.m., intending to steal money. The men attacked West with a butcher knife, while the women began choking Ashley and West’s 6-month-old daughter, Carlie. Ashley woke up and staggered into the living room, then was slashed with a knife before the assailants fled. Family and friends said Tairree West had known (Foster's girlfriend) Olson for several years and had allowed the woman to live in West’s apartment when Olson became homeless."
"Detectives say Foster was angry with West because West had told him she did not want him in her apartment. She suspected him of stealing $100 from her car"
"They had a motto back in those days: It was either fight or fuck."
From KQED: "David Bella Birrell also said she’d been sexually assaulted in prison."
Birrell was found guilty of 1st degree murder. "A man and his wife were arrested Tuesday in the slaying of a teen-age orphan for whom they had provided a home."
Hope Elfman was found naked on the patio of Birrell's house. Her mother had recently died, and her father had died some time before that. She was 17, and had also been violated after death, with objects forced inside of her vagina. Less than a week prior to her murder, Birrell had increased her life insurance, with his wife forging Elfman's signature.
Dallas 'Rachel' Goosen
'I was just sitting in my cell, just my bra and shorts, facing the wall doing nothing. That officer came in read me the riot act'
(In this quote it appears Goosen is being accused of being sexually inappropriate. Later it emerges Goosen lives in a multi-occupancy dorm, not a cell.)
"In 1993, Goosen was convicted of seventy-six counts of child molestation involving 4 separate victims. The victims were ages 6, 5, 4, and 3 years old at the time. Goosen was sentenced to 158 years in prison for his crimes" (the longest sentence ever given in county history)
"Many of the crimes were videotaped by one of Goosen’s adult co-defendants. The tapes contained evidence of extraordinarily depraved acts of child molestation perpetrated by Goosen"
My personal thoughts? Goosen is a depraved and worthless individual. I don't give a solitary fuck what Goosen feels about himself, he has destroyed the childhoods of at least four children and should never, ever be reappearing in their lives via a fawning media piece.
Ave Maria Fey - David Hooker
I've been hiding so long — the mannerisms — I've kind of tucked them in and locked it away," said Ave Maria Fey (Ave Maria - a Catholic prayer praising Mary, mother of god...)
According to KQED "Fey, like Patience, ended up homeless and a victim of child sex trafficking on the streets around L.A., she said."
(*Note - none of this is confirmed. I see no evidence produced whatsoever, and while it may be true it's a bit of a stretch to take these claims seriously when they do not even accurately list their names or crimes)
"Fey said she first went to federal prison at age 20 for robbing banks. After a few years, she came out as transgender. After she was released, Fey lived as a woman until she landed in California state prison in 1995 for the arson death of her adopted father. His death haunts her to this day. "Worst thing I've ever done in my life," she said.
"Thomas Hooker was nearly blind, in the advanced stages of diabetes, had to be regularly taken to the hospital for dialysis, had several toes amputated, and had difficulty moving without assistance. He lived in Palmdale with Joy Hooker, his third or fourth wife, and David Hooker (appellant), his 30-year-old adopted son. Joy and David were constant companions. They went to dinner and to the gym together."
"At about 3:45 a.m., Deanne (Thomas Hooker's daughter who lived nearby) and her husband Robert were awakened by Joy Hooker's pounding on their door, telling them to call 9-1-1. Robert ran to the Hooker house and saw appellant in the living room hosing down a burning loveseat. There was smoke inside the house, wallpaper had peeled off the walls, and plastic objects had melted. Robert asked appellant where Thomas Hooker was and appellant said he didn't know.
"Robert crawled to Thomas Hooker's bedroom and found him on the floor without a pulse. About five minutes later appellant came to Robert's assistance. Mr Hooker died from smoke inhalation.
"Thomas Hooker had told his nurse he knew Joy and David were having an affair and feared that if he didn't oust them from the house they would kill him; Joy's ex-husband, Robert Laughton, said Joy had recently told him she was tired of caring for her husband and had thought of ways to get rid of him;"
I don't know about you, but it doesn't look so much like a tragic accident to me after reading that. And nowhere is there any reference to Hooker presenting as female. He was, however, having an affair with the wife of his adopted father.
"Ava Fey said she would likely "run" to a women’s prison. Living with women would also offer something that’s eluded her for decades: women whom she could emulate". Yeah, that sounds reasonable - place heterosexual murderers in the women's estate so they can be emulated.
Throughout these reports are references to Carmen Guerrero, a transwoman murdered by their cellmate.
"When Miguel Crespo moved in, Guerrero, 48, began filling out a form that prosecutors believe she intended to use as part of a transfer request.
""He stated he is not compatible with me. I’m worried to be raped again," Guerrero wrote. "He should never have been in that cell with the girl" said Fatima Shabazz, former inmate (I don't know for what) and advocate who worked on the new transgender dignity, agency and respect bill."
Well, this appears to be true. Crespo was a danger to Guerrero: Crespo had made that clear. But does any of this mean these inmates should be incarcerated alonside women?
Guerrero was serving a life sentence for the murder of his long term partner, which he committed while their teen daughter cowered upstairs.
I wonder how many of these prisoners have been abused in prison because of their crimes as opposed to their identity?
Shiloh Heavenly Quine - Rodney James
"California corrections settled with the prisoner, Shiloh Heavenly Quine, in 2015, agreeing to perform the sex reassignment surgery"
Shiloh Heavenly Quine, born Rodney James (- these reborn prisoners choose such whimsical, peaceful names.) Quine and an accomplice kidnapped and fatally shot 33-year-old Shahid Ali Baig, a father of three, in Los Angeles, and took $80 and his car
"My dad begged for his life,” said Farida Baig, who tried to block Quine’s surgery through the courts. “It made me dizzy and sick. I’m helping pay for his [sic] surgery. I live in California. It’s kind of like a slap in the face.”
Out of the thousands of trans prisoners in America, it seems incomprehensible to me that the ones chosen for these sympathetic, sensationalist stories have committed such obscene crimes. Where are the transwomen stuck in prison for minor offences, for those committed under duress, during mental health crises or in trauma? What we are being told here is these people deserve exalted respect and care because of their identities. We are subtly told their crimes don't matter, because they are victims in the end, and the beginning.
What about women in prison? How many of them commit crimes to this scale? How well equipped are they to manage with these biological males who have raped and murdered?
"In a circle of women stretching, Mark Peaches Cates, 58, said she’d never had the chance to exercise with just transgender women. Gym time with men had made her uncomfortable.
"You couldn’t be yourself," said Cates, who is in prison for second-degree murder."
One; it seems abhorrent to call people like Dallas Goosen, David Birrell or Robert Foster, 'women'. They do not look like women, they have all only transitioned in the most minor way, they have committed terrible crimes. Two, the joy the inmates get from a weekly activity which allows them to wear women's clothing is a tad indicative of autogynephilia - the most common fetish to present in sex offenders and serial killers.
Boots sticks out in the film as they actually resemble a woman. They are also not interviewed and appear as merely a background figure. Boots was a porn star who became embroiled in a vendetta against a fellow trans porn star and ultimately shot dead a third transwoman porn actor in what was possibly a mistaken identity case. It's difficult to find any information on the case and Boots' fans are probably the only ones talking about it. Brief report, halfway down this article
Despite my best efforts, I have been unable to find out more on these prisoners:James 'Star' HendersonJames 'Star' Henderson (right) and Mark 'Peaches' Cate in blue James Star Henderson (left) puts makeup on Dallas Rachael Goosen (the worst child molester in Sonama county history)Henderson could be James Henderson here - "Defendant James Henderson appeals from a judgment and conviction imposed after he was found guilty of robbery. "Defendant's prior conviction was for an offense of oral copulation", defined as - "any person who participated in an act of oral copulation with another person who was under 14 years of age and more than 10 years younger than he, or when the act was accomplished against the victim's will by means of force, violence, duress, menace or fear" link here. Or it could be this - rape of a woman and armed standoff with police. Or it could something else entirely, we don't know. These are the only cases I have found with that name in that state. Of course, this is speculation based on the barest facts. I wonder if allowing those convicted of the most violent crimes the right to change their names is a good idea. Does KQED or NBC care they have given oxygen to the worst child sex offender in Sonoma county's history, bringing his face and voice to the masses, including his victims?
Mark 'Peaches' Cates - 'You gotta learn to pick up a knife and fight like a man'
Convicted of murder. No further details have been found. Interestingly, Cates makes it clear they do not want to move to Chowchilla, the women's prison. "I don't wanna be around women, I love men". The safety issues are clearly not a major concern for Cates....
Cary Keenan Smith
Also known as CJay, Smith is serving time for assault with a deadly weapon.
Smith has been in San Quentin, where they were apparently raped and then further persecuted by prison officials who wanted Smith to drop the complaints. San Quentin is a notorious prison, and Smith now resides in Chino with the prisoners above. Smith was jailed for 25 yrs to life in 1998. That's a very heavy stretch, even by American standards. "Under California Penal Code 245 PC, the crime of assault with a deadly weapon can be charged as a misdemeanor or a felony, and carries a maximum sentence of up to 4 years in jail or prison."
A personal note - Smith came across as likeable to me. It seems incomprehensible they committed such a violent crime. I suppose the passing of time alongside the frivolous subjects being discussed - makeup, mainly - and the sob story can be a powerful antidote to reality.
Jarrett Angel Williams, a transwoman housed at the California Medical Facility in Vacaville. I can find no history on them.
Jazzy Paradise Scott
We are told Scott is serving their third sentence for seconddegree robbery. They appear to have spent the majority of their life inside.
Makayla Fennell
Could beMichael Kennedy 'M-K' Fennell, a registered sex offender but, of course, I don't know.
NBC News "Transgender prisoners are almost never housed according to their identity, an investigation found. That’s putting many in danger." But, of course, specialist wings set aside for trans prisoners are not the answer - that isn't affirming them, and is exclusionary. What they really need, we are told, is to be placed in the women's estate.
In this video from NBC news, the narrator refers to 'transgender females' which is a bizarre way to describe transwomen, i.e. biological males.
Here is Michelle Kailani Calvin
Apparently, Calvin was 'robbing women for their purses and make-up, cos I was too afraid to go buy my own things, 'cos of the backlash on the streets'.
"Calvin, 48, said she has fought off three rape attempts by fellow prisoners. The first time, in 2015, she said her cellmate hit her so hard she slammed into the cell’s door". “I asked to go to a women’s prison, because I am a woman,” "Calvin described the trauma of her 15 years as a transgender woman incarcerated in men’s prisons"
Calvin also explains how they told their arresting officers 'I was born male, but at night I identify as female' which sounds more like prostitution than being trans.
They are serving a life sentence for robbery and car jacking. Sounds a little more serious than stealing makeup.
Kelly Renard Blackwell, Inmate ID #E72399
Age 53, Blackwell is pictured nowhere online as far as I can see. They receivedlifewithout possibility of parole and have been inside for 30 years - which is a bit heavy! Why?
Candice Destiny-Rene Love'I love who I am and I love being me, but after the rape and attack, I wondered, if I wasn’t trans, would I still be going through what I’m going through? I don’t think so.' Love was 34 at the time of publication, and there are no further details.
Jasmine Jones
- formerly incarcerated transwoman who is now a legal assistant TGI (transgender, gender variant and intersex) Justice Project. I don't know if the fact Jones works within the legal field, in some description or another, implies their convictions are for lesser offences.
"Instead of looking at us as we present ourselves, correctional officers and prison staff look at us as our former selves and use incorrect pronouns, and tear us down psychologically"
Bambi Salcedo
A Los Angeles-based transgender activist who spent 14 years in California jails and prisons. For why, we do not know, apart from references to Salcedo's early involvement with gangs, drugs and prostitution. Perhaps their notoriety and position suggests their crimes were not heinous?
In addition, Kristi Legget,here, incarcerated 23 and a half years at the time of recording
Naomi Turnerhas, at time of recording, been in prison for three years
And Jolina Olivia Diazinside for 30 years
And the two wheelchair users below (not Goosen, right)
..and another inmate, intriguingly called Fancy Lipsey, are all featured without any background. When we are bombarded with stories and reports on these people, listing their allegations as if proven, and being asked to feel sympathy for them - the least we should expect is some level of honesty and disclosure.
(If anyone knows anything more, please let me know. I promise to disclose it, whether it be terrible crimes or cases worthy of sympathy)
Thinking of TGI and this quote from Californian department of corrections that they are "committed to addressing the safety concerns" of transgender, intersex and nonbinary prisoners" I would like to point out that 'intersex' does not belong here, they really must stop conflating medical conditions with gender identity.
The fact people with variations of sexual development continue to be lumped in here is just additional proof of the anti-science rage du jour, and it's deeply unethical. 'Intersex' is not a term used in medicine anymore, as it is misleading and offensive. People with variations/differences of sexual development are still male or female. They never get the choice of identifying as 'intersex'.
The new bill of Weiner's is called the Transgender dignity, agency and respect bill. This has passed, despite former female prisoners protesting; a file pressed against the move by female prisoners being dropped because they had all been released.
Despite there being serious concerns more broadly. Despite guards stating they are concerned for the women's safety and the motivation of the trans inmates and being forced to strip search members of the opposite sex; the crimes committed by the trans inmates and their transition time and status being irrelevant, or the problems which have dogged Canada after similar legislation.
They do not even need a formal diagnosis of gender dysphoria.
“I’m authoring this legislation to ensure they can be housed where they’re safest"
"Transgender inmates are some of the most marginalized members of society," said Sen. Scott Wiener.
Thankfully, KHSU who carried the KQED story did act with some journalistic integrity, noting "KQED could not verify most of the alleged attacks reported by Patience and the other prisoners in this story"
- Ok, but let's not count our chickens just yet, hey? Let's consider, for a moment, this just might increase rape.
I hope and pray that some day, the women left to absorb these prisoners are listened to. "Today, most transgender prisoners continue to be housed automatically with the sex they were assigned at birth, which is often dangerous for them" well, who cares about women, especially those who've broken the golden rule of behaving and being nice, huh?
Here's Nicole, who studies sexual assault and how it's covered up by organisations. She likes to present herself as a victim's advocate, but became a victim shaming ideologue, chastising the wrong sort of survivor in one breathtaking dive. It's quite incredible how a woman who claims to understand a bit about sexual violence can turn on victims begging her to listen. How does it happen?
First, know there's intense pressure on anyone in the public eye. Even worse for someone building their own little pedestal in it. Then, the claustrophobic grip this ideology has in academia, add the fact this 'advocate' is a young woman, and it's not surprising. Or, maybe she's purely motivated by egocentrism, ambition, completely drained of independent thought. What else but 'stand by victims' in the age of #MeToo, reel off some vapid critique of capitalism, call yourself queer and get happy clappy?! There's a particular slogan though that has a predictably stupid lie; 'Transwomen are women!'
In some way a flicker of pity crosses me. I think how miserable it must be to know being an intersectional crusader is mandatory unless you fancy unhinged abuse, scurrilously dishonest gossip and an impossibly hostile working environment. You aren't allowed to just not engage - allyship isn't a neutral position of goodwill, it means destroying those TERFs. It means never letting the slightest faux pas slip by. It means judging everyone on the words they do or don't use, checking out their previous tweets like forensics check out a nonce's computer. See the word 'woman' on their avatar? Fucking burn them!
The pressure's real, but it doesn't justify being an contemptuous, dismissive bastard to rape victims. There is even an option to be brave, to be a feminist. It doesn't necessarily mean shouting it from the rooftops, it could involve quiet non-conformity. It does, however, scupper your chances of rapidly building a fan base online by singing with the queer choir and reaping those easy awoken tokens.
If there is one thing underpinning this, even more than the 'be kind', 'don't make a scene' social grooming of girls, it is this; privilege.
It's all very well saying you stand with the oppressed, but who are they? Are they children working in cobalt mines in Africa? The iPhone workers throwing themselves to their deaths? I guess they'd agree that yes, this is bad, they might have even tweeted on it once. But this is the politics of home. So the oppressed are of course the poor, the abused and often the women, but only ish.
The group who take up most time, most space, are trans people. This is the new frontier of civil rights. It gets them tokens rolling in, too, so what the hell?
The fact this is build on a morbid, histrionic web of lies is a problem, which is why the awkward questions should be wrapped up with a handy maxim, held at arms length and dropped into the bin / memory hole immediately. You can't leave it there - it spreads disease, a kid could step in it, and there's penalties too.
Thing is, it isn't shit. It is none of the things we are told - theirs is a performance of civic duty that has as much basis in justice and reason as drowning women to prove them innocent.
It is impossible to win an argument built on fact with trite, flimsy mantras - which necessitates the charade. Hence the farcical responses you'll see in these screen shots and the insta-block she uses with immediate effect.
But it's hardly just Nicole. A wealthy, weak militia of well-loved, cossetted intellectuals and fans exist, and their only introduction to suffering was an entitled white male weeping about oppression in university, or an article about a rapist who's very distressed over their inhuman treatment as a newly out trans woman, á la Synthia-China Blast. Unless they are bravely inquisitive it is impossible to understand what this ideology does to those of us with (relative to the West) nothing.
Now I don't know if Nicole has suffered sexual violence, I wouldn't speculate and I'm not suggesting her stance is incompatible with it. What her stance is incompatible with however is the experience of marginalised, poor women who have nowhere but state and charity funded spaces.
Can Nicole honestly relate to being a 16 year old care leaver, who endured violence and neglect throughout life, now placed in some God awful move-on hostel? Can she relate to the state of never having had reliable, compassionate family? Never having someone to call if you really messed up? Never having someone to help out when you have no food, no electricity on the meter, when you cant afford sanitary products, a new pair of shoes? I don't think so.
Have any of these people experienced life in a hostel, or homeless with just a day centre to wash in? How about prison? No. Of course not.
If the happy, smug, queer choir went through a rape, or were stalked, or escaping domestic violence, would they be left crying in the busy council office with letters from the police victims officer as proof of their situation, as they begged for a place tonight? Or would they pretty much be swept up by functioning, loving family and friends with a spare room or sofa? Would they be forced to carry their belongings in carrier bags to the other side of town, where a b&b owner waited to give them a stern run down on the rules? Would they have their own shower to sit in and cry as they pick the grit out of their knees, with people waiting to hear how they are and comfort them? I think so, and if they didn't, there'd be a gofundme up, being widely shared and earning within 24 hrs.
Do the gender warriors who spit at the idea of same sex spaces to heal in ever think they'll need them? Clearly not. And still, for the young me I wouldn't be entitled to it, despite having not even a winter coat. If they, with their expensive education, careers, shiny hair and great teeth, were terrified and forced into leaving town by an obsessive ex, would they get a solicitor? Is it possible people like Nicole are treated as more innocent, more worthy, more important than a shaky, dirty drug addict who was dragged through foster care and has previous dealings with the law? If they argue no to this, they really have no decency, honesty or consistency. And that would be no surprise.
I'm a white, 'cisgender' woman. If they had a solitary fucking clue about their celebrated intersectionality though they would know it's not always that simple. I know I'm not the worst off, like Nicole I can perform respectability online if I want. I'm literate, I'm not starving or scrabbling around for dropped change anymore, hence this blog.
I've a few points to make though. Before others my age were revising for their GCSEs, I was homeless. I was preyed on by men and would go home with them for the night to (hopefully) get some sleep in a bed, watch tv, drink alcohol and act like a grown up before being fucked. I was begging, shoplifting (too young for benefits, no one knew where I was and they never looked) and treated like shit.
Does Nicole actually believe this? Are men really our white knights, only prevented from protecting us by the segregation we irrationally demand? I did ask her, but was blocked.
They talk about how hard it is for trans people to use toilets - they should try using one when visibly homeless. Try walking into a city centre toilet with their attendants while dragging your drenched bedding. Try it for an afternoon. Going everywhere with your wet, heavy bedding because if you hang it up or leave it somewhere, there's a high chance the street collection will bin it. Try living like that in a northern winter, dealing with violent, lascivious men walking home on a Friday night. Try it.
I was so, so terrified, I felt like I was on a tight rope. I was so frightened and so doomed I just stared blankly ahead, trying to keep going by autopilot and never ever looking down. I missed my seemingly unreachable siblings as they hurtled off on their own journeys, like rubber balls bouncing off hard floors. I broke at the sight of intimacy between people and let another man fuck me hoping I'd get used to it. I had to improvise. Alcohol was useful at first, but heroin was my only comfort, it was essential palliative care for me.
Relentless upheaval came with a monotonous, soul-destroying jingle that cheerfully reminded me it was always going to be the same. I got a boyfriend, started staying at his place until he snuck some gear past me one afternoon and died in the bathroom. I was in a hostel, then got kicked out for letting my new boyfriend in. I got into a better one, a girl's hostel, where I felt sorority and was taught basic life skills. But it gets in your bones, the implied consensus you are subhuman. I was, I was sure, far beneath the other girls. I was still using and in the same circles. And I really tried, I tried so, so hard. But I couldn't stop it.
Which, funnily enough, is a consequence of the abuse I went through as a small child and my inability to process or confront it. I would get sudden waves of what felt like stage fright, I was paranoid, constantly on high alert. It never stopped, yet many real dangers passed by undetected.
I don't care who it is when I recognise this in someone. They could be a woman or man and it's irrelevant if they're trans. It could be an animal - it breaks me to see it. Unlike rigidly authoritarian ideologues, I don't have to fully agree or even like that person to feel deep pain, an urgency to help them. No one should be that traumatised and alone in a country where it can be fixed. Everyone should be able to access somewhere.
So, I really do have compassion for victims. It doesn't matter what demographic they hail from. I want what is best for all of them.
I never broke the gender rules much back as a kid. It was impossible. My abuse was never a consequence of breaking them although I'm sure it enabled my abuser. Strangely though, Nicole is the one singing and dancing about gender. I think it's shit.
When I was that young, that broken, the most terrifying prospect was to be arrested and 'returned'. I couldn't risk that, so I lay low. I was just a street drinker, a junkie. I couldn't admit my age and vulnerability, so I had no leverage. Once I'd reached adulthood I was too dysfunctional to manage. I couldn't keep up my community charges in hostels, I couldn't stop using. Around and around it went with more injuries on each lap.
I got into abusive relationships, because that is what homeless girls do. Being alone leaves vultures to circle unchallenged. I was claimed by men I'd taken an instant dislike to, because I couldn't say no, I couldn't trust my judgement, I was a fuck up.
I wasn't just a pushover and a victim though. I couldn't have been. I could often intimidate people if I wanted to. I defended my stuff and myself, verbally, physically. But that comes with risks, and those risks can result in hard lessons that teach you when to fight and when to flee, when to freeze.
In hostels there's often a delicate balance that's shifted with the arrival or departure of every person. Most hostels aren't so big, you normally get to know people's names. There has long been a dearth of places for women, as most hostels were set up for men, functioning often as bail addresses, and refuges are specialist and heaving. You sometimes get hostels run by charities based on religious fellowships that offer beautiful living quarters, but they come with zero privacy, dorm rooms, curfews, breath testing on the door, no visitors, you have to spent half your dole on the charges and they dictate dinner time, demand group activities. Having been through what I had before, it was impossible, repellent, frightening to me.
I was sexually assaulted many times, I guess I had that mark on my head. I nervously giggled at inappropriate remarks or touches, I kept on shrinking smaller and smaller. I've heard 'don't you dare' many times too, and it never means anything good.
There was one time I wasn't 'just' assaulted while passed out, or coerced, but violently attacked with explicit threat to my life. I left the police station knowing they hadn't tried much with the forensics, in clothes from lost property that hung off me, checking behind me as I was sure he'd be out and looking for me. I was desperate, dirty, with not a single person to call on. I got hugs from my street mates, who were, in truth, excited with the drama and quick to compete. That's how we lived, lurching from one death to another, one tall tale followed by another, more tragedy or horror. It's like a soap opera where a vastly disproportionate number of deaths and tragedies occur, only to be forgotten within the month.
I really, really needed somewhere of my own. To just be safe and warm. It felt like forever since I'd had that. The idea of having my own t.v. to watch, having a bath and going to bed, was too painful to contemplate.
I cried and then I emotionally buffered, I went very, very still inside. I was scared and exhausted from fear. I stopped. I froze like a million headlights had picked me out of the darkness. I wanted to disappear but only did in the same ways as before - invisible via studious avoidance of passers by. It was a performance, an unspoken conspiracy to never acknowledge me unless near property or the vulnerable. And I understood it. I understood very well.
I was treated with love by women in the day centre. It was actual love. They went above and beyond for me and it was the most beautiful, uncomfortable and guilt ridden feeling I'd ever had. I contended, within a couple of weeks, I was over the worst and I hadn't been that hurt. I rationalised with self-talk I can't even hint at here.
I went headlong into heroin telling myself my growing habit would be ok once I was on methadone. When the methadone began I was flung backwards, I couldn't cope. I really needed it, and they wouldn't let me have it. They warned me, they stopped my script, they never helped me get the things that made me safe and warm. There was a nail bomb in my head and I could not diffuse it with dilated pupils and shaking hands.
I thought I'd dusted myself off, I got a place in a hostel and I tried to avoid the staff with their eyes on my drug use and alcoholism. I kept staring blankly ahead, fixated on my next score. I'd grown up enough, been traumatised enough by my time sleeping rough, and I valued having a roof over my head. All I wanted was to stick it out til I got social housing.
It was noisy. There were fights. Every bit of support I got was limited and conditional. A key worker might be lovely to you, then blank you in the street. They forget things you divulged with great trust, due to the overwork, or something... How fucking stupid was I, to open up like that? That's what makes me a victim. I have to stop that. They can turn to someone else in a flash, telling you to tone it down, to issue warnings about how you staggered in one night, or just out of absolute compassion fatigue. No one is reliable.
Prison was worse. The boredom, the seaches, deprivation, theft and competition. The huge injustice of your boyfriend, who you took the rap for, now mysteriously not responding to letters or calls. The damage everywhere, in everyone. The non-existence of education or pastimes, the sleep broken by noises, and the knowledge you're never alone - it's exhausting. It never was possible to drop the coping mechanism of dulling the pain. I was caught in the past and surrounded by others trapped in theirs. I was blockaded in with intractable grief.
Than men - see that, Nicole? Is this misgendering or admission? Even though it isn't really true. How many more than women?
I try to not constantly reflect on my experiences when seeing other people make mistakes or behave badly, but it's hard sometimes. One thing I'd feel good about myself for was my refusal to steal from people, although I realise now that wasn't always true. To me, my pain had justified my entitlement, but presumably some aspects of my childhood my parent's hadn't completely fucked up on gave me some ethical basis to live by. The thing that cuts me down to the bone is the hopeful, innocent naivety I had when confronted with men who managed to manipulate my emotions and assessment of them. They might just groom with drugs and drink and cigarettes and that little puppy headtilt that tells you they're listening. It might be more niche and refined. Either way, I picture myself as a scared little puppy which nervously cowers and wags its tail, hoping they won't be hit again.
That image is seared into my brain as I remember the men who seemed harmless, the man with lady's jeans and name who turned on a dime into a scary, hyper-aggressive embodiment of toxic masculinity and how I tried to slip his gaze. I was fully aware he was dangerous really, I stumbled on his preferred pronouns despite trying and bristled at his dominance, how he effortlessly silenced me, how I knew he was lying and sinister. But also, how I'd have instantly fought back at such conspicuous and direct obscenity and infringement on my space and dignity coming from someone who was without this performative shield. Even after all I'd seen that was difficult to say. It's baffling to me now, but negotiating a world which was heaving with dangerous men, I'd only seen the most obvious. I'd been gaslit forever, socialised to be nice, I'd learnt how being judged is crippling and wanted to escape that for myself, and maybe I still wanted to avoid perpetuating it on him. I couldn't see a woman in there, but I thought, somehow, that I should.
When I see the dismissal from these spoilt, ceremonial lib-fems, I notice again the categories we are boxed into for a sanitised collection and disposal. Bigot, well, that's an obvious choice. There's no way to be too harsh on someone if they're a bigot (although it's telling the woman using this is highly educated but unable to see it is her who is unable to hear a different opinion). How about Jameela's choice of gif - a man striking another in the face with a cane, with 'not today, peasant'. Interesting, isn't it?
a poor smallholder or agricultural labourer of low social status (chiefly in historical use or with reference to subsistence farming in poorer countries).
"peasants left the farms to work in industry"
Similar:
agricultural worker
small farmer
rustic
son of the soil
countryman
countrywoman
farmhand
swain
villein
serf
paysan
muzhik
kulak
campesino
paisano
contadino
fellah
ryot
carl
cottier
kern
hind
DEROGATORY•INFORMAL
an ignorant, rude, or unsophisticated person.
"‘That is a civilized drink, you peasant’"
We're poor, ignorant, rude and unsophisticated. We're uncivilized. In a way, it's true - for many of us who actually have been in emergency accommodation for the homeless, for women fleeing domestic violence who don't have funds, friends or family to save them, for those of us in prison or psychiatric hospital, stripped of your most fundamental rights of autonomy. We might be every one of those things and ugly and nasty to boot. But, Nicole, Jameela and friends, it isn't you dragging your drenched baggage behind. It isn't you trying to reclaim your grip on reality, submerged with others still deep in their mental quicksand, while nurses insist you are on a female ward with only other women. They know this. They know the next victim of the next Karen White won't be them and it won't be anyone they know and love. It would take a crusade of almost unparalleled self destruction for one of these virtuous, magnanimous public influencers to be that recently raped woman, crying in the council office and clutching their police victim support details. There boundaries will remain unbreached.
It's a certain kind of woman who needs these spaces or is forced into them. 'Peasants' is fine. I'd prefer they just say it.
The lib-fems and their woke-bros stare ahead to their true believers, they smile blankly at these victims, diagnose wrongthink and spit out the bad taste in their mouths. They wear sequined blinkers and demand their boundaries are respected, throwing up blocks as shields to create a safe space those peasant women are not allowed.
This will come crashing down one day. I hope the applause makes all of the suffering of truly marginalised women worth it in years to come. I won't abandon feminism, but I also won't forget
James Star Henderson (left) puts makeup on Dallas Rachael Goosen (the worst child molester in Sonama county history)
