Refuges - Part 2 - LibFem Responses

 Refuges

~ Part 2 ~

LibFem Responses

(Part 1 is here, and another example of the kinder, gentler politics of The Right Side of HistoryTM here)

I recently saw a woman online state that she believes refuges should look for empathy and kindness in their residents, as these are the important factors and are all 'non-binary' qualities. She also said in her view, refuges should be blocks of self contained apartments, that 'as a survivor of sexual abuse' she felt she had some personal experience to impart, and the idea of 'women's refuges' made her cringe.

It's jaw-dropping naivety, and extremely telling in regards to the ideological world these people live in they think some form of deep psychoanalysis, background check and personality evaluation is possible. Or that the furnishing of self-contained flats are within reach of a chronically underfunded sector.

These are last ditch rescue resources for extremely vulnerable women, not dating sites which find matches based on compatibility. 

I don't want to dismiss anyone, but it isn't the same to survive sexual abuse and to experience it when completely disenfranchised from society, to have to take what shelter you are given. 

I fully understand the urge to be kind, the hopeful belief that survivors share some unalienable solidarity, despite sex. I wonder how much is a trauma response developed to avoid conflict, and how much is just a misplaced, misinformed, self aggrandising stand of relative privilege.

I replied to her. I explained essentially what I wrote in Part 1. I gave a long reply which, I believe, was compassionate and which certainly made me vulnerable by laying bare my history of abuse.

What I received, you'll see above (my name is obscured in blue, the original commenter's in red and the third woman in green) was another woman putting a laugh emoji on my long comment before the predictable strawmanning. She had already launched into me on another comment, and I blocked her. The hurt and rage was pretty substantial, I was upset for several days. After this, the original commenter advised me to start my own thread, presumably not to challenge hers. I asked what was her response to the woman who had laughed at me. She blocked me. Another woman (I suspect they may not have all been women) commented, ridiculing me, and she blocked me too, before I could read all of her derision.

My (as ever, book-length) reply

So, to sum up - I blocked one for laughing at the worst experience of my life; one blocked me for responding and asking a question; another blocked me to join in on the dismissal and piss taking. So much for solidarity among survivors.

Most refuge referrals come in at the time of absolute crisis - there is no time to sit and run through any personality quirks, potential clashes or traits in common: this is true desperation - a woman terrorised out of her home, beaten and gaslit over what is normally a protracted period. The police are involved and she is terrified what effect this has had on her children, is wondering what might have gone on behind her back, will social services take her children, might they be better off that way... 

She is likely feeling intense guilt for uprooting her family and for having stayed as long as she did. She's likely ashamed, having to confront an ever growing list of long denied incidents she tried to 'rationalise'. She may be afraid to tell anyone outside of the refuge what's really been going on.

This is the most crucial time in her and her children's lives. The success of this, the chances she and her kids stand in recovering any semblance of normality, all hinge on her belief she can be empowered and is somewhere safe.

Normally, there are various activities and peer support meetings where the women have a chance to drop the facade they've constructed. Who wants to be weeping in front of their children at a time like this? You will be doing everything within your power to console and reassure. Group therapy plays an integral role in building sisterhood, which will have inevitably been stripped away from these women as they are increasingly isolated from family and friends. Recognising the common threads of abusive male behaviour are key. Finding support in non-sexual relationships are vital.

A friend of mine wrote a thread on this very subject, and I think it sums this up very articulately.

"You're a mother, in a violent relationship. You tried to make it work, were beaten the average of 35 times before reporting it. You bite the bullet, you stand up for yourself & kids after apologising for your existence & 'failures' every day. You tell the truth to friends & family

For the first time

You can't pay the rent/mortgage alone. You have nowhere to go. To protect yourself & kids you find some strength, & in the short-term you make all your lives more vulnerable, more insecure & poor. Because you know this is breaking you into pieces. The kids are having nightmares. Bedwetting. 

You freeze at the police station when the officer leans over to open a door for you. You feel guilty for upsetting your family, even your ex. Making your kids homeless is gnawing away at you.

You find a refuge. It's pokey, cramped, no room for toys, furniture, all the things you've built up over the years are now impossible

You rehome the dog, against every instinct, with huge guilt.

All this breaks your heart but you need safety.

There's no other option.

In the refuge you have a key worker, regular peer support groups. You meet other women from different backgrounds, but you have an amazing amount in common. You talk & realise so much. How keeping up a pretence of being ok is crushing your insides, how carefully managing how you speak is suffocating your thought. How apologising for your feelings is toxic & just how distorted your perception of yourself & your world became thru relentless gaslighting

You have to be vulnerable to heal

Laura moves in. She is personable, kind, sympathetic. You're aware she is trans, or maybe you're not sure. But she never mentions it, & you can't ask. You talk to your key worker, who tells you everyone here identifies as female. Your kids are blunt about what they see - you hush them, worried about offending her, aware of the rules on conduct 

Another resident is angry. This makes no sense to her. Her 14 yr old has to live elsewhere because of his age & sex & the visceral response this has on the 8yr old along the hall who was abused by an older brother. 

She's livid at the fact her broken family is separated further when this can happen Conversation is awkward. Too many questions hang in the air.

Laura feels ostracized, judged. Unsure of how to broach the subject she glosses over her early life, omits her dysphoria, her history of being persecuted. She nervously uses the bathroom before others wake.

When she pushed open an unlocked door in the toilet & accidentally disturbed a woman, the woman screamed for help. She saw a man, that is her instinct.

But your key worker deflects all comments with 'we're all women here', more abruptly each time.

The other resident, who's son is in care is confrontational, asking why is Laura here when her son isn't? She's told Laura is a woman & continued breaches of conduct will result in eviction.

No one talks freely & with vulnerability in group. Laura is scared & you feel gaslit all over again. Those boundaries you proudly Erected are shaky now, you feel sorry for everyone, sorry for not seeing what you're told to see, & insulted by the evasion & shut down of your key worker

This could be worse, of course. Laura could be much less sympathetic or genuine

Your fear of male bodies could be worse"

Here was a typical reply from a trans advocate:

Another said, simply, "your views are not worthy of respect in a democratic society" - what was said to Maya Forstater in her original employment tribunal. 

Regarding where I'd expect the fictional Laura to go, I fully acknowledge this is difficult. The only way around it, as I see it, is to use some of the massive funding the trans rights lobby has on founding trans specific refuges.

Transmen may be unwilling to enter a women's refuge, but if they do I genuinely don't see this would cause a problem unless other residents weren't aware they were trans. There would be no way round it anyway, as everyone would know men are not permitted. This is a moot point; women do not commit anywhere near the number of violent or sex crimes men do. It is in no way comparable.

Transwomen like Laura are, as the thread explains, going to be in an extremely difficult position in a woman's refuge: either they 'pass' and can conceal their status, which brings all manner of other problems, and presumably stands as an obstacle to healing, which requires long, deep reflection on your childhood, your first intimate relationships, your personal history and the socialisation we receive as girl children to be submissive, accommodating and unconfrontational.

Or, they don't pass. They stick out and are clocked. Women and their children, in the most stressful, precarious and insecure times of their lives, being told to appear oblivious to the sex of a fellow resident runs contrary to every tenet of the ethos in operation here. They must be able to speak about what is happening, who is around them. Living under a pretext, agreeing you see what you don't, lying to yourself is what these people have been forced to do for survival. 

In the case they are like Laura, and I know several transwomen who fit that description, the problems are still ever present. How does Laura - displaced, traumatised and struggling - cope when she inadvertently triggers women is anyone's guess. How she manages to shave and retain her dignity when having to us a communal bathroom is another. It's no exaggeration to say that a male voice, a particular mannerism, can terrify women who've suffered extended abuse at the hands of men. Some might scream, some may even wet themselves. The core thing is these are women who haven't been safe in their own homes. Providing a safe space, and safe as in free from potential triggers, is essential.

This notion all transwomen will be meek, sisterly and kind is not borne out by reality. There have been multiple cases of sex offenders identifying as trans, as you will see on our blogs The Rich Fantasy Self ID Endangers Women. 

I will look at this in the next part, Bad Faith, Violence & Demands.

I'll also do a gallery with other replies I've seen.