The Great Brain Train - Duties For The Trans Ally

The Great Brain-Train

Duties Of The Trans Ally

This week saw the heartwarming interview of Jamie Lee Curtis and daughter Ruby on their journey of acceptance and coming out as trans. Sadly, we learnt that Ruby was accidentally known as a male child called Tom, until his bodily mismatch caused such discomfort he was shut in his room, all day, trying to alleviate the feelings.

Ruby with Jamie Lee

Having consistently misgendered her own child for the first 25 years of their life, Jamie has, remarkably, been forgiven, and in this life affirming tale of love and redemption, Ruby and Jamie Lee talk extensively about the struggles of coming out as trans. 

In this earlier piece by People, it was revealed Ruby plans to marry in a cosplay ceremony with Jamie Lee officiating (UPDATE - They only went and did it! Glory, romance, oh happy days... It was wonderful)

We also hear about the marriage of Jamie and We Are Spinal Tap star Christopher Guest, or Gest, I dunno. (He played the wide-eyed "but this one goes to eleven" Nigel Tufnel)

And that's not all - we hear of eldest child, 34-year-old daughter Annie who 'is currently married and works as a dance instructor', which is nice (emphasis mine).

"When Ruby just said her dead name — I haven't ever heard her say that name. It so doesn't fit anymore" says Jamie. "Just the regularity of the word. The name that you'd given a child. That you've been saying their whole life".

Blossoming - Ruby

Jamie Lee says she is a 'grateful student', that Ruby inspires in her 'wonder and pride' and she admits she messes up with pronouns and occasionally her own daughter's name: Jamie Lee says she's learned a few things: "You slow your speech down a little. You become a little more mindful about what you're saying. How you're saying it. You still mess up, I've messed up today twice. We're human."

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Lived experience

It's clear that Jamie considers herself a great ally, but this casual minimising of 'messing up' struck me as reckless-adjacent.

In an attempt to stop this from ever happening again, I consulted with the search engine to compile the wisdom of those few trans people and allies brave enough to write about the struggle in leaving gendered assumptions behind. In this endeavour I consulted:

♤ Medium  How do I Stop Misgendering my Friend? Julie Ross
♡ Refinery29 9 Ways to Avoid Misgendering Someone- & What to do if it Happens Kasandra Brabaw
◇ Rewire News Ask a Queer Chick - How Do I Stop Accidentally Misgendering My Co-Worker? Lindsay King-Miller
♧ Medium Help me Stop Misgendering my Friend! 6 Ways Som Paris

Firstly, though, I wanted to briefly examine this story in Refinery29: here we learn of Sara Kaplan, who only discovered her child's secret when a classmate told her the child she thought was a daughter was actually a son. 

Like all great parents, Sara took this completely seriously,  immediately. The kid was eight, Kaplan "realized she’d been raising a son all along" and she 'transitioned' soon after.
As Kaplan's little girl became James, she "admits changing pronouns and name for her child was hard". What kind of wording is that? Admits? Of course it was 'hard'. The whole thing is batshit.

“My son was never a girl,” insists Kaplan. “He’s always been a boy, we just didn’t know.”  

So, she would talk to family and friends, strangers, and refer extensively and gratuitously to her boy, her son, to James and "he", "so that she could get used to saying those words." 

This included revising history, to speak of her 'son' in the past tense, when they were living that lie and appearing like a girl. (More of that in a bit).

She had to "relearn how to refer to her son and later her daughter — Kaplan’s younger child also came out as transgender soon after her brother."

So, in a short space of time both her children, under the age of nine, 'transition'. The girl 'became' a boy, the boy 'became' a girl. 

Both of them.

And this is met not with concern for what is happening in the family, but by lauding her self-indoctrination. The overt promotion of conscious auto-brainwashing and the adoption of an entirely passive acceptance - it amazes me. And, if you were not already aware, we are all expected to do this.

The dedication and work demanded of people, along with stern warnings to put all of their own feelings aside are, frankly, staggering.

Kaplan believes “It’s not the person who’s trans’ responsibility to work it out with you”.

“What most cis people will deal with as a parent of trans kids is that they’re going to have to meet and get to know the child they have, and surrender the hopes and dreams they may have had based on genitalia" 

That's quite the newspeak bombshell, aye? What the fuck is that?

From the side who constantly accuse gender sceptics of reducing people to their genitals. No one, but the absolute barrel-scraped filth of humanity, has 'hopes and dreams' based on the genitalia of their kids. Jesus fuck.

"These are real feelings that deserve attention, but are best to work out not around the person who’s come out."
When our mind erroneously reaches for the sexed or gendered pronoun, it's simply following its indoctrination, like Pavlov's dog. The only answer is to wash that silly brain out with the correct language, mantras and koolaid.
The secret is to "repeat it over and over until it becomes muscle memory".

 Lindsay King-Miller says "make a mental note of what you said — because you’re going to practice saying it the right way later"
Do you Really See Your Friend As Their One True Gender?

Misgendering Hurts And Is Violence
Kasandra at Refinery29 makes this clear: "purposely misgendering a transgender or gender non-conforming person is an act of violence" 
"As Riley J. Dennis said in a video on her page. “It’s a way of invalidating their identity. It makes them feel disrespected, isolated, uncomfortable, and hated, simply because of their gender.”

Jules concurs

Julie Ross advises if you do misgender, "you must work even harder and practice your friend’s pronouns all the time (even when you misgender them in your mind) actively correct yourself".  Without this conscious effort, you are putting your loved one at risk of huge potential harm.

Som concurs "Misgendering can be incredibly damaging, especially as an accumulative process" “Apologize and move on — it’s not our responsibility to make you feel better for messing up, so don't go on a tirade about how much trans or non-binary lives matter to you. Say, ‘I'm so sorry,’ correct yourself, and then move on”

It's Not About You!

While you should know how deeply harmful misgendering is, it's essential you absorb that shame and guilt, apologise and move on. Selfish displays of contrition are entirely inappropriate and divert essential attention away from the real star. 
Move. On.

You Must Move On 

King-Miller explains excessive  apology is just another way of furthering the pain, even if we're not consciously doing so. Overly-long atonement is using up their time, asking for their emotional labour, forcing the wounded to process your feelings. Again: "apologize, correct yourself, and move on"

Finally, Som - "Say, “I’m so sorry. I meant he/she/they. I apologize.” When we over apologize... it comes across not as an apology, but rather as you needing to prove how sensitive you are

to transphobia"

This came up again and again - do not centre yourself when making corrections to your speech, it just adds invalidation to insult and injury. It makes it about you - and nothing is about you.

Understand Your Job As A Friend, Co-Worker, Family Member And Advocate
You can see it as a burden or as a gift of redemption and privilege, but it is your job as a cis ally to take the work on to improve the lives of those around you. 
King-Miller puts it like this: "It’s up to us, the cisgender people in their lives, to do everything possible to remember to use their new names and pronouns, so that the people we love won’t have to feel this way" (suicidal when accused of being their natal sex)

Give Thanks

If your misgendered friend/colleague is generous enough to correct you, it is imperative upon you to give thanks and recognition to this. Then move on.
lmagination Helps! Centre Your Trans And Non-Binary Betters!

Retrain that Brain:

The advice from Lindsay King-Miller was simple and clear -
"Practice! I’m serious. Retraining your brain takes actual physical practice, not just getting mad at yourself... Take a few minutes in private - set a reminder on your calendar - and practice talking about this person using the correct language."

Kasandra Brabaw hits us with it straight - You "may have to retrain your brain" and ensure you never "assign pronouns, even mentally". Returning to Kaplan, "It took practice to let go of the names she chose for her kids" "But it’s important for the cisgender ... to do this work, and to use their proper name and pronouns" Kaplan adds, apparently now seeing herself as some kind of a supporter and advocate.

Som Paris gets into that ol' brain science - "Whenever you think two thoughts in connection the brain physically shortens the synapse" so get in there and landscape that neuro-landscape! These are gendered assumptions, another internalised and colonial system of categorization we need to unlearn. It's definitely racist as well. Apparently.

Revise!

Brabaw spells out what it means for her to be historically misgendered when spoken about as a child: "I am a trans woman. I see my youngest self as feminine. That little girl was, without her input or consent, forced into gender roles and treated as a boy" which means that "to refer to that little girl as a boy would, for me, be a continued act of violence" against the child Brabaw once was. "Kaplan had to relearn how to refer to her son and later her daughter" Brabaw explains: "It took practice to let go of the names she chose for her kids, and the idea she had of who they’d be based on their sex assigned at birth." 
I don't doubt this at all.

Rinse (Your Mouth Out) and Repeat!

Make the time to rehearse speaking about the person in question so their pronouns come rolling off the tip of your tongue. But otherwise avoid using gendered pronouns until you have been given a definitive answer as to what is appropriate. It helps prevent misgendering and ensures you sound natural when speaking. And rinsing your mouth out with soap stopped generations of children from bad language, didn't it? Why not give it a go?

Language In Cisnormative Culture - Her Penis And His Vulva 

"The transphobic language and habits of cisnormative culture" have limited us, causing raised eyebrows at entirely normal things, says Som, who hopes our minds and language catch up, naturalising phrases like “her penis” and “his vulva”. 

"With practice and retraining you can be at the forefront of that cultural change" enthuses Som.

What's going on in your mind? Do you think "my friend is X gender now" or "My X friend is transitioning to Y"? asks Som. If so, take a step back and consider your perception of this person. 

What is it that makes you mistake them for the 'gender assigned to them at birth' (biological sex)? Use these exercises to ensure you have "completely internalised their transition" or run the risk of 'slipping up' and being seen for the heinous bigot and terrible friend you truly are.

No Sex Please, We're Good Cis!

Som fears that despite significant gains in trans acceptance, facial hair, bulges and even genitals are still gendered in our minds, "even though scientifically, historically, socially it’s nonsense"

If we see a beard and think 'man' or instinctively associate a vagina with womanhood, we couldn't be more wrong. There is simply no way to tell whether someone is a man, a woman or something else entirely until we ask them. However, it's proof positive "deep brain associations are learned and cultural" (clearly not a vital and instinctive part of human reaction, then) which we can, and should, change.

Julie Ross suggests we:

♡ "practice writing about your friend in a journal"

♡ "make up songs about your friend"

♡ "draw a picture of your friend and put a title on it using their correct pronouns, saying something like: “This is my friend. He / She / They make me laugh.”"

Remember, says Julie: "this is your friend you’re talking about. It’s well worth the work"

Observe, Honour and Celebrate Special Dates Of Awareness, Remembrance And Information 

This is definitely one of your prizes as an advocate and ally. Just remember to stay focused - you are not the star here. Celebrate a loved one and their journey; offer solidarity, love and sympathy; let your loved one know just how precious, inspiring and brave they are. 

Picture them as they truly are - Simsples!

"If you ever played the Sims you’ll remember whenever you’re making a new one you’ve got them rotating around in the mirror room and you can change their clothes, their hair, and their facial structure" says Som: 

"Get your loved one spinning up in that little mirror room in your head — visualise them, there they are, spinning in all the glory of their true gender. See them, describe him or her or them" and remember to be grateful for this vicarious gift of imaginary proximity to greatness: "Smile — you are getting to share just a tiny piece of the joy of transition — the joy of finally seeing someone in their true gender". Finding the time to affirm someone has to be worth it, and Som swears it's a sure fire way to "truly see your loved one as they are and the pronouns will flow accordingly"

Practice Those Pronouns!

As a cis, your allyship means making and giving space to the trans people around you - Kasandra “Make it a habit to ask people their pronouns and tell people yours,” “Don't leave this work solely to the transgender community — cisgender folks should pick up the legwork". They go on "It’s up to us, the cisgender people in their lives, to do everything possible to remember to use their new names and pronouns, so that the people we love won’t have to feel this way"

Offering up your pronouns and initiating that accepting, sharing culture “creates a safe and affirming space for people to say who they are,” says Tiq Milan, a writer and trans rights advocate.

Stop Gendering!

One of the heaviest burdens our trans and non-binary comrades carry is living in a society obsessed with gender. Forcing people to be so continuously aware of it, and the accompanying pronouns and titles, is a war of attrition, rubbing our trans and non-binary folks raw in a way to which they have not consented and find harmful.

Ultimately, we need to dismantle it, and should “recognize that pronouns are not something you have to be on guard about around a specific individual, but rather something you should be aware of in 100% of your daily life” says Kasandra "You may have to retrain your brain, but let go of the idea that you can tell someone’s gender based on how they look" and never "assign pronouns, even mentally, until you know how someone identifies"

This is backed up by Julie Ross over at Medium How do I Stop Misgendering my Friend?  - "it’s incredibly painful for someone to be misgendered and it’s the job of cisgender people to resist societal pressure and avoid these mistakes."

Practice Non-Binary Thought

Julie Ross suggests when your internal thought process genders someone, refute it immediately. 

If you think "“Oooo, I like his shoes” or “I like her hat.” Contradict yourself internally. Say to yourself, “No. I like their shoes,” or “I like their hat.”" 

King-Miller agrees: "making assumptions about the genders of people" is damaging, and stopping it is liberational "I’ve been working on modeling this behavior for my child. On a cultural level, it’s hard to get away from... But it’s worth the effort to reprogram ourselves"

This is the crux of the matter  - do a wholesale factory reset on your brain, back to well before civilisation started the insidious evolutionary indoctrination that taught your ancestors 'this is a man' and et voila, social justice not quite achieved, but we're getting there! 

Put Their Pronouns In Your Phone!

Kasandra talks to non-binary person Cass Clemmer who informs us that every day appliance, the mobile phone, could be a great help. "Clemmer suggests putting their pronouns next to their name in your contacts list" explains Kasandra. Then, next time you're stuck, and not wanting to ask your acquaintance what pronouns they use again, check. 

(Or, better still, look up their social media profiles and stay up to date on the neo-pronouns that fit gender fluid person you've got the hots on is using today! This level of care and attention to their ephemeral identity is sure to stick in their mind!)

Update your autocorrect!

Clemmer also had this sage advice: instructing their girlfriend to fix her autocorrect, to ensure they were never erroneously gendered by text - "If she was writing, ‘You're a great girlfriend,’ autocorrect would pop up with a more gender-neutral suggestion like, ‘partner,’ instead” 

Ultimately the goal, according to King-Miller is to "get your brain acclimated to not making assumptions about people’s gender identities based on the way they present" and when we say gender identity, we mean sex, obvs.

Use their affirmative pronouns with pride!

Gender euphoria matters too! Som also warns of "Being so anxious you don't use pronouns" just the person's name. "This is a huge mistake for two main reasons. Firstly, you’re missing out on a chance to rewire your brain. Or worse you are actually rewiring your brain to just speak oddly and awkwardly around trans people." Remember this can mean throwing in the odd preferred gendered pronoun for they/them/he or ze/zem/she. The trick is making it look easy. 

The Refinery29 piece ends with the inspiring line from Kasandra "And, as a bonus, you’re that much closer to freeing yourself from patriarchal indoctrination!" Because there ain't nothing the patriarchy hates more than women recognising a man at a distance.

So, the upshot is we must practice, apologise, decentre ourselves in our every interaction with the time-and-energy-worthy, who are so terribly vulnerable and oppressed. Practice, apologise (but not too much - and for fuck's sake  - move on), reprogram your brain and don't stop at not misgendering - remove your instinct to see sex in other humans, as these habits are part of cisnormative culture and are wrong. Recognising the sex of another human is bound to entail some misgendering, so is inexcusable. Stop assuming you can tell, stop trusting instincts - they are honed in an oppressive society. Trans and non-binary liberation will mean liberation for us all. Definitely. There's only a small chance these are the demands of a highly entitled and privileged group, wanting to be held aloft, gazed at with adoration like an Olympic flame.

♧♤♧♤♧

In any other landgrab not so overtly hostile, based less on I Shit On Your Grave, more Ooh Excuse Me! I'm Terribly Sorry But I'm Being Massacred Over The Border, Do You Mind If I Budge In Here? - you might occasionally thank the allies. But no one gets any down time here, not when Alok Maid Venon has stories of his 'ancesters being arrested to degrade and punish' the 'resplendent beauty' he, um, embodies. 

Not when eyebrows may be temporarily raised, swiftly lowered and then castigated for reaction. Some have even pointed at Alok's 'kinky little girls' comments in an attempt to imply nefarious intent. Others have targeted Jacob Tobia and said he looks like a Soviet era paedophile gymnastics coach. Times is bad, yo.

So, rather than thanking the allies, you give out more homework. It’s nothing major, just completely crushing individuality, ability to respond with any honesty or having to experience that hated down time. Cheers