Dear Ally - "But it's just about respect"

~ Introduction ~

This began in response to a chat with co-blogger Anna, who remembered a conversation with her brother on trans rights. He died a few years ago, and she now wonders would he, out and proud gay man who suffered serious and sustained homophobic abuse as a teen, consider her a TERF? She is horribly unsure. 

She thinks he'd understand her, thinks he'd agree, but the way a particular school of thought has evolved, leaving many finding it inconceivable what she, we, think of as basic facets of reality, there's room for doubt.

Then I saw a woman expressing her exasperation and upset with her husband, who dismisses her concerns over gender neutral changing rooms at work. He had asked her to post less on 'the gender stuff'. It was deeply condescending to his wife who has complex, multifaceted concerns and reasons to come to the opinion she has.

Later, someone I know on Facebook 'corrected' me on a public post regarding Eddie Izzard. Underneath my comment, where I'd referred to Izzard as he, my friend simply wrote "*she*".

I explained that no, I wasn't doing this, I don’t want to play this game. And, I was told, it's all about respect.

That's normally the line - it's pretty simple, just use the pronouns. Make life easier for this marginalised group by not being a bigot. Just do it, no excuses, it isn't hard, and trans people go through so much more. Stop making your pedantic, miserly point at the expense of someone else's dignity. (I'm near certain I'll have said this to people myself in the past.)

Well, no, he didn't actually say the rest - he's a nice guy. I assume his position is based on a fundamental consideration for others - which I also have, and which is incredibly important to uphold. Things like knowing that trans people are often emotionally vulnerable makes it feel like it's only a little expression of courtesy that costs nothing; and, crucially, being a socially conscious, left wing geezer who's probably stood up for many marginalised groups in the past, reads The Canary, Novara, follows Owen Jones etc, and thinks whatever he has heard about the debate over trans rights might not be comprehensive but it's probably pretty balanced.

But, knowing he is a nice guy, I wonder if he would be shocked if he saw it for what it is. 

To illustrate the reality, as I and many see it, I recommend Rose of Dawn's 2019 round-up of Trans-Stupid, Malcolm Clarke's thread on the current trans political movement, some Peak Trans stories and especially The State Media's Gender Ideology and Karen, Actually's TERF Wars - The True Story of the Women Fighting the Transgender Agenda

I'm sure some of those titles are making you think 'dog whistle!' But be brave, give it a go.

This is not about respect anymore; it's now a concerted, duplicitous campaign being pushed by highly political lobbies with legal guidance on how to influence policies and laws with minimal media coverage. It certainly seems to be more about overturning boundaries than anything to do with trans people's welfare, to me at least.

There are so many omitted stories of outrages, the harassment and abuse we as feminists get from The Right Side of History.™ I began wondering how far this 'respect' goes, because it isn't just pronouns, and pronouns themselves change our perceptions - who we are speaking of and what mental images we forge of them.

When we hear of a man on a rampage of random attacks, our sense of urgency is high. When they are reported as a woman, it brings in some kind of novelty aspect. Sure, we think, we'll be able to spot her, she's not quite as threatening as a man doing the same. In a way it feels less sinister, more easily dealt with.

When we hear of female rapists, what comes to mind? I think of someone who has a devious, manipulative tactic, possibly with the use of drugs, often as part of a folie au deux with a man (Rose West, Myra Hindley, Vanessa George etc) or maybe a teacher having a sexual relationship with a student.

I'm also shocked, as males commit more than 98% of all sex crimes (the rate among transwomen is just as high actually, is significantly higher - transition doesn't effect crime patterns, and with an increasing amount of data suggesting trans identity is linked with elevated rates of sex offences, at least for those in the criminal justice system). 

When I hear of a female rapist, I don't tend to think of someone who uses violence to overpower others, and is a roaming, predatory threat. I've never heard of a lone woman abducting and sexually assaulting another person.

When I hear of a woman shamed over her state of undress at a spa, I think of high school bullying. A vulnerable, ganged up on woman who will almost certainly be feeling humiliated and afraid. 

This is because indecent exposure and voyeurism are a fetishistic act of power and a peculiarly male crime. 

But then, sadly, it emerges the "poor woman", centre of a "fascist hoax," is actually a registered sex offender with a history of exposure. 

(To be fair, I'd normally think of the same with a transwoman and certainly would have immediately pictured an intensely vulnerable person before. Before I realised just how dishonest the press is, and how much the shroud of trans vulnerability gives cover to dangerous men)

It's fascinating, as people who know me in real life too think it really is just about manners, etiquette, consideration - and they are shocked at my attitude, my belligerence. 'Never had you down as a bigot!' they say.

What if I'm not, though? What if my friends hadn't got me wrong years ago, but have now? Most importantly, what is that prevents so many of the men we know and often love, from believing we have this right? Why is it so often our perception that's judged as wrong?

Dear Men Ally

You don't have to click on any of the links - they're simply receipts, evidence, further reading, which it'd be great if you read, but it's not essential.

It may be you are around liberal feminists who vociferously claim that my views are intolerable - I myself was once not a million miles away from that position; it may be you know trans people and are worried; that all the 'war on trans people' headlines have scared you (they will, of course - and harm vulnerable trans people who believe it) but, thankfully, they're almost exclusively hyperbolic, sensationalist crap. Trans people are actually remarkably safe.

Whatever it is that's resulted in you being given this to read, for a moment, withhold assumptions, leave open the possibility this isn't all misinformed bigotry, hysteria or bad faith.

If it isn't convincing, if you think I'm chatting shit - tell me. Write a comment - I'll publish it. Show me where, why and how I have it wrong, what I'm missing. 

It would definitely be easier for me to stop this, I'm exhausted by the rows, the aggression and stress of it.

So, thus far, the courtesy, politeness and respect the ever-expanding 'trans community' entails;

○ Scrupulously referring to people with their preferred pronouns and issuing careful apologies when you mess up ("be sincere, but then move on - this isn't about you"). And it's not that politely, for your own beliefs yodu can decline to.

And it's not that using sex based pronouns unaware of someone's identity will be waved away - it's made out that way, but fuck up and you will be expected to apologise, learn from it and never repeat it. Otherwise you will face consequences.

(For example, this is Gregor Murray -

This is who Maya Forstater referred to as 'he' - she says accidentally. There were no trans colleagues, the whole urban mythology based around this case stems from a row where Murray kicked up a stink over complaints by constituents he was supposed to represent, calling these women cunts, and then having been challenged, losing his rag over being referred to as 'he')

○ Agreeing to allow self identifying trans women into our domestic violence and rape crisis refuges. Being harassed for daring to complain about it

○ Changing your language to adhere to a school of thought that you may or may not adhere to - or even understand (you, and many of your ideological instructors, actually are very unlikely to understand the full extent of this, really);

> For feminists, this means being prevented from using biological sex as the referent with which we identify ourselves and others. It directly contradicts our beliefs and analysis, and we are given no recourse to complain or articulate this. 

It's not necessarily that preferred pronouns wont be used, but that submitting to an ever expanding, dictated vocabulary requires cognitive effort, and sometimes is plain insulting. Imagine a rape victim being condemned and corrected' in court for describing her attacker with male pronouns. This is a position many trans activists hold.

Here, trans guy Marcus explains his issue with the neopronouns now gaining popularity. This brings us to -

> Keeping up with the hundreds of new identities, sexualities, terminology and neopronouns; (fae / xi / zir / em or neutrois / lunagender / schrodigender etc)

[And, yes, you won't see much of this if you're sticking to the same publications and Facebook forums as you have for years. The Denton documentspecifically advised legislative changes be tacked onto more popular reform - self in Ireland is a classic example.

Showing this stuff in the wrong time and place is read as stoking controversy. They deny it. I don't know how to expose it anywhere without ridicule, so best you keep shtum til it is introduced in spaces where acceptance is predicted]



> Never laughing, joking, criticising or objecting to the 'rights' of one group to tell you what you are, dictate your language or use your spaces. "You MUST respect us";

> And that even when defunding, vexatious litigation and protest don't shut the women's refuge down, there will be activists waiting to graffiti threats on their walls and nail a dead rat to their door.

⬆️Morgane Oger gloats on having VRRC defunded

~ Males  so entitled to the identity of "woman", having made no effort to appear female, who eschew the rape crisis group therapy for men, and the group for trans & non binary people, and walk into the one designated for women.

○ Keeping quiet when women are cancelled for espousing feminist politics, even while facing outright abuse on the same forums, sometimes concerning the same political row, go completely unchallenged

○ Stifling your shock, confusion, anger or even horror at the non-binary, gender-fluid or trans male in front of you, as they:

> Call your wife in for that smear test

> Appear at your sister's 'women-only' peer support group at AA, or the domestic violence or rape crisis centre, or in the psychiatric hospital when she's sectioned for psychosis which makes her believe all males are trying to kill her (full page of links relating to the clash of trans rights with sex segregated spaces here)

> or when your friend or family member is incapacitated by a degenerative illness and can't speak, defend herself and spends hours of the day out of it on medication, she has to receive care from anyone who identifies as female and shut the fuck up about her fears 

> Cautiously watching every greeting ('guys') and accepting a description / ascribing a gender identity to yourself ('cis');

They get to define themselves and you! 

○ A no border definition on what it is to be trans, based entirely on self identification alone (and yeah, this may not be in law, but it is in public policy and across the private sector, too), therefore making single sex spaces open to all who feel entitled;



> Allowing violent, including sexually abusive offenders to live in women's prisons, bail hostels, refuges and hospital wards as well as other less stringently enforced areas like bathrooms and changing rooms, even when you know that videos of cross dressing or trans masturbation or voyeurism are popular online.

Tyler Porter makes himself at home. At a woman refuge. 



> Telling your children to ignore their most essential, primal instincts on whether the person before them is male or female.

If they complain, shut them up and teach them to do nothing next time

> Giving them intensely confusing messages about themselves. And telling yourself the same. Punishing a two year old child for calling their mother momma not dada ⬇️

> Telling them it was rude to look the 'woman's penis' in the Jacuzzi 

 

>Then having the new, patriarchal division (appears they all are now) of 'antifa' gleefully abuse and intimidate to defend the woman's 'right'

>And it doesn't matter what you've been through. There are no exemptions here that can reserve it just for females, so accept it when you're mocked for wanting security to check people's genitals. 

Because the whole deal is people are impossible to identify overall appearance. (Although judging someone's sex by their genitals is pretty damn awful, too.) 

Vilifying a 17 Yr old girl for fearing a 66 yr old male as they go for a shower

>The person with a penis who raped you was a woman. 

 

Eby's Flickr is here

○ Reading the words 'her penis' 'she ejaculated' in reports of rape cases. Seeing sex offenders inprisoned with women or escape prison altogether because of their mitigation that being trans makes it a double punishment.

○ Having to call the 6 foot biological male who assaulted you 'she' in court, despite their never medically transitioning at all and displaying classic male violence.
(When you slip up, you are refused compensation or even held in contempt of court)



○ Having some of the worst sex and violent offenders imaginable free under a new name, evading the sex offenders register, and being the focus of sympathetic articles in the media (See also They Say They Never Feel Safe, But Who Are They? & The Rich Fantasy Self ID Endangers Women)




○ Accepting your daughter must use the same changing rooms and showers at school as the teen boy who identifies as a woman, and anywhere else, with adult males, for that matter.

○ Girl Guide's Monica Sulley, who, under Girl Guides' rules could escape the normal safeguarding protocol used when men apply, on the basis of self ID. 

You might turn up to collect your daughter from her weekend away, and only at pick up realise the that this was who was in charge of her group, sleeping in the same tent or dormitory. Girl Guides would not inform you beforehand, in fact it is forbidden. 

○The CEO of Girl Guides was recently sacked for asking questions about whether a move to accommodate just biological females was reasonable

○ Remember, if you object it's because you're a bigot, not that you may possibly just think the welfare of the girls could be compromised..

○Accepting it as she loses her sports scholarship to university

○Not complaining when she's injured in rugby, football or mixed martial arts



Army vet Alannah McLaughlin before & after


McLaughlin wins fight against biological woman by choke-hold. Note the coughed up blood on the mat

> Not 'being transphobic' when it comes to her sharing overnight accommodation with self identifying women in Youth Hostels (and remember - what it is to be trans is now entirely in the eye of the beholder - anyone who says they identify as a woman is extremely unlikely to be challenged)

> Not complaining when it turns out the school has been calling her 'he', and a different, boy's name on the register and carefully ensuring you don't find out, along with all the more dubious aspects of their education on gender by organisations like Gendered Intelligence 

> Not complaining when it turns out they've also given her advice on how to bind her breasts; put her in contact with Mermaids, who you've not heard good things about but again, mustn't complain;

> Not challenging this belief or looking the underlying issues that may be driving them to transition - that's conversion therapy. Supporting them as they seek access to puberty blockers or cross sex hormones online

> Definitely not mentioning the fact your child is convinced they are trans after being subjected to homophobic bullying, following trans influencers and seeing all of their friends do the same. Condemning others who study ROGD.

○ Not making any reference to the biological sex of your date, even when they clearly not the woman or man you expected. Accepting your lesbian friends in particular are subject to coercion and abuse, and it's also beginning to happen to gay men

It's all about respect for others!

***

I don't like being forced at threat of ridicule, harassment, ostracism, even on occasion violence and rape, into a game that upholds the sexist tropes I fought so hard to escape.

I don't like seeing or hearing or sensing that change of tone / dropping of the face as it appears the person I considered a friend is now looking at me, wondering if I've gone mad, secretly hate trans people, am getting sucked into some bizarre Q-anon-style, right-wing conspiracy theory or turning my back on my previous ethics and real-life human beings as I scapegoat a group of vulnerable people.

Because, let's be clear - I'm not blaming trans people. I know there's a small army of trans people fighting back against this mindless expansion of their demographic; the dismissal of gender dysphoria as an integral part of being trans; the misogyny, racism, the abuse of FGM survivors, the entitlement.

You won't hear much of them, although I do intend on doing a compilation in gratitude. They are shamed and excluded by the 'nu-trans' movement which seems predicated in destroying physical, legal, ethical and verbal boundaries. They fight for no rules but the ones they want to enforce.

We women gave an inch and they have taken a mile.

So no, I won't be calling Eddie Izzard (who happily details shouting at young girls for questioning his using 'their' toilets) 'she'.

It's stretching credibility too far for me, and in none of this feverish debate have I been treated with much respect.

So, if you made it this far, thanks, mate. I hope this at least can give a better example of how feminists see this.

There is so much more I could include, there are an avalanche of stories where serious repercussions are exposed and we have been screaming into the abyss, trying to draw attention to it. But the more we shout and gesticulate, the more they play the farcical music over the top of us. The ones who remain calm are depicted as stone-cold monsters. The popular left won't touch it, they repeat verbatim the cliches, lies, urban myths about us and about the trans 'community' (there's no one workable definition of trans. I use scare quotes because I feel transsexuals and people like Travis Alabanza, Alok Vaid-Menon or Jacob Tobia are a million miles apart) and the times we are attacked, persecuted or targeted are ignored except for the more right-leaning sites who likely hate radical feminists more than most. 

But there's a strip of common ground there - we both see sex as real and relevant, there's a tiny space of consensus. When we are relentlessly shot down, stitched up and degraded by the media we once thought stood for us, it's pretty devastating, and as you should be well aware by now, it's the deepest of rabbit holes.

And when anyone does write something, is interviewed by, media we would normally avoid, it's used against us again. This is a spitefully-motivated Hobson's Choice and it's not of our making.

***
Lastly, the 'respect' offered towards women like me, who often are meticulously careful is explaining our consideration for dysphoric trans people, is somewhat lacking.


Men, these people may be talking about your wife, girlfriend, sister, mother, daughter. That woman who you know doesn't feel hate, but is traumatised. Maybe you still think it's wrong, misguided; but ask yourself, is this the reaction you thought a civil rights movement would have to questions from the group most affected? Do you believe the people below appear to be concerned with the welfare of trans people? At the very least, can you see that 'TERF' is a slur, and there are some things we really need to talk about?

T

T

Y

At this Paris protest against the sex industry, feminists were assaulted by 'black bloc' trans activists

Matt talks about Beira, Rowling's woman - only rape crisis centre

Matt mocks a rape victim, Sarah Summers, who was left too frightened to continue her crisis centres' peer support when a male-presenting "transwoman" turned up 

 











 

Magdalen Berns was a feminist YouTuber who died of a brain tumour aged just 36




























































 











 








































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