"The transphobic language and habits of cisnormative culture" have limited us, causing raised eyebrows at entirely normal things, says Som, who hopes our minds and language catch up, naturalising phrases like “her penis” and “his vulva”.
"With practice and retraining you can be at the forefront of that cultural change" enthuses Som.
What's going on in your mind? Do you think "my friend is X gender now" or "My X friend is transitioning to Y"? asks Som. If so, take a step back and consider your perception of this person.
What is it that makes you mistake them for the 'gender assigned to them at birth' (biological sex)? Use these exercises to ensure you have "completely internalised their transition" or run the risk of 'slipping up' and being seen for the heinous bigot and terrible friend you truly are.
No Sex Please, We're Good Cis!
Som fears that despite significant gains in trans acceptance, facial hair, bulges and even genitals are still gendered in our minds, "even though scientifically, historically, socially it’s nonsense"
If we see a beard and think 'man' or instinctively associate a vagina with womanhood, we couldn't be more wrong. There is simply no way to tell whether someone is a man, a woman or something else entirely until we ask them. However, it's proof positive "deep brain associations are learned and cultural" (clearly not a vital and instinctive part of human reaction, then) which we can, and should, change.
♡ "practice writing about your friend in a journal"
♡ "make up songs about your friend"
♡ "draw a picture of your friend and put a title on it using their correct pronouns, saying something like: “This is my friend. He / She / They make me laugh.”"
Remember, says Julie: "this is your friend you’re talking about. It’s well worth the work"
Observe, Honour and Celebrate Special Dates Of Awareness, Remembrance And Information
This is definitely one of your prizes as an advocate and ally. Just remember to stay focused - you are not the star here. Celebrate a loved one and their journey; offer solidarity, love and sympathy; let your loved one know just how precious, inspiring and brave they are.
Picture them as they truly are - Simsples!
"If you ever played the Sims you’ll remember whenever you’re making a new one you’ve got them rotating around in the mirror room and you can change their clothes, their hair, and their facial structure" says Som:
"Get your loved one spinning up in that little mirror room in your head — visualise them, there they are, spinning in all the glory of their true gender. See them, describe him or her or them" and remember to be grateful for this vicarious gift of imaginary proximity to greatness: "Smile — you are getting to share just a tiny piece of the joy of transition — the joy of finally seeing someone in their true gender". Finding the time to affirm someone has to be worth it, and Som swears it's a sure fire way to "truly see your loved one as they are and the pronouns will flow accordingly"
Practice Those Pronouns!
As a cis, your allyship means making and giving space to the trans people around you - Kasandra “Make it a habit to ask people their pronouns and tell people yours,” “Don't leave this work solely to the transgender community — cisgender folks should pick up the legwork". They go on "It’s up to us, the cisgender people in their lives, to do everything possible to remember to use their new names and pronouns, so that the people we love won’t have to feel this way"
Offering up your pronouns and initiating that accepting, sharing culture “creates a safe and affirming space for people to say who they are,” says Tiq Milan, a writer and trans rights advocate.
Stop Gendering!
One of the heaviest burdens our trans and non-binary comrades carry is living in a society obsessed with gender. Forcing people to be so continuously aware of it, and the accompanying pronouns and titles, is a war of attrition, rubbing our trans and non-binary folks raw in a way to which they have not consented and find harmful.
Ultimately, we need to dismantle it, and should “recognize that pronouns are not something you have to be on guard about around a specific individual, but rather something you should be aware of in 100% of your daily life” says Kasandra "You may have to retrain your brain, but let go of the idea that you can tell someone’s gender based on how they look" and never "assign pronouns, even mentally, until you know how someone identifies"
This is backed up by Julie Ross over at Medium How do I Stop Misgendering my Friend? - "it’s incredibly painful for someone to be misgendered and it’s the job of cisgender people to resist societal pressure and avoid these mistakes."
Practice Non-Binary Thought
Julie Ross suggests when your internal thought process genders someone, refute it immediately.
If you think "“Oooo, I like his shoes” or “I like her hat.” Contradict yourself internally. Say to yourself, “No. I like their shoes,” or “I like their hat.”"
King-Miller agrees: "making assumptions about the genders of people" is damaging, and stopping it is liberational "I’ve been working on modeling this behavior for my child. On a cultural level, it’s hard to get away from... But it’s worth the effort to reprogram ourselves"
This is the crux of the matter - do a wholesale factory reset on your brain, back to well before civilisation started the insidious evolutionary indoctrination that taught your ancestors 'this is a man' and et voila, social justice not quite achieved, but we're getting there!
Put Their Pronouns In Your Phone!
Kasandra talks to non-binary person Cass Clemmer who informs us that every day appliance, the mobile phone, could be a great help. "Clemmer suggests putting their pronouns next to their name in your contacts list" explains Kasandra. Then, next time you're stuck, and not wanting to ask your acquaintance what pronouns they use again, check.
(Or, better still, look up their social media profiles and stay up to date on the neo-pronouns that fit gender fluid person you've got the hots on is using today! This level of care and attention to their ephemeral identity is sure to stick in their mind!)
Update your autocorrect!
Clemmer also had this sage advice: instructing their girlfriend to fix her autocorrect, to ensure they were never erroneously gendered by text - "If she was writing, ‘You're a great girlfriend,’ autocorrect would pop up with a more gender-neutral suggestion like, ‘partner,’ instead”
Ultimately the goal, according to King-Miller is to "get your brain acclimated to not making assumptions about people’s gender identities based on the way they present" and when we say gender identity, we mean sex, obvs.
Use their affirmative pronouns with pride!
Gender euphoria matters too! Som also warns of "Being so anxious you don't use pronouns" just the person's name. "This is a huge mistake for two main reasons. Firstly, you’re missing out on a chance to rewire your brain. Or worse you are actually rewiring your brain to just speak oddly and awkwardly around trans people." Remember this can mean throwing in the odd preferred gendered pronoun for they/them/he or ze/zem/she. The trick is making it look easy.
The Refinery29 piece ends with the inspiring line from Kasandra "And, as a bonus, you’re that much closer to freeing yourself from patriarchal indoctrination!" Because there ain't nothing the patriarchy hates more than women recognising a man at a distance.
So, the upshot is we must practice, apologise, decentre ourselves in our every interaction with the time-and-energy-worthy, who are so terribly vulnerable and oppressed. Practice, apologise (but not too much - and for fuck's sake - move on), reprogram your brain and don't stop at not misgendering - remove your instinct to see sex in other humans, as these habits are part of cisnormative culture and are wrong. Recognising the sex of another human is bound to entail some misgendering, so is inexcusable. Stop assuming you can tell, stop trusting instincts - they are honed in an oppressive society. Trans and non-binary liberation will mean liberation for us all. Definitely. There's only a small chance these are the demands of a highly entitled and privileged group, wanting to be held aloft, gazed at with adoration like an Olympic flame.
♧♤♧♤♧
In any other landgrab not so overtly hostile, based less on I Shit On Your Grave, more Ooh Excuse Me! I'm Terribly Sorry But I'm Being Massacred Over The Border, Do You Mind If I Budge In Here? - you might occasionally thank the allies. But no one gets any down time here, not when Alok Maid Venon has stories of his 'ancesters being arrested to degrade and punish' the 'resplendent beauty' he, um, embodies.
Not when eyebrows may be temporarily raised, swiftly lowered and then castigated for reaction. Some have even pointed at Alok's 'kinky little girls' comments in an attempt to imply nefarious intent. Others have targeted Jacob Tobia and said he looks like a Soviet era paedophile gymnastics coach. Times is bad, yo.
So, rather than thanking the allies, you give out more homework. It’s nothing major, just completely crushing individuality, ability to respond with any honesty or having to experience that hated down time. Cheers
Heartfelt condolences to the victim, Elora...
