DEFRA's Inclusive Workplace - Women, Don't Be Bitches

Employment training videos are weird, and this is a fact.

Revealed a few days ago was one which had been used by DEFRA, "Creating A Trans-Friendly Workplace" by Skill Boosters, and it's worth a few minutes of your time. 

It was remarkably entertaining, and they really went for it in the awkward, stilted acting and surreal, Benelyn-overdose dream depiction of life that is nothing but a gaping chasm of lost humanity. It has a charming retro vibe to it, but it's not that old - recent enough to be used by Whitehall, and the powerhouse Fox Fisher also makes a brief cameo. Fox appears with the stubble and all. Can't be that old (it's six years old).

I like to think of it as a future classic of a new genre, one that has rendered satire a useless art form. 

Trans?

Yes, of course it was for the trans. 

Despite winning numerous employment tribunals as far back as the 60's, gaining acceptance in the army far before gay people or women did, being front and centre of every big-scale NGO campaign, and being the protected by hate crime legislation which does not protect women, apparently this is still an imperative.

So let's have a butcher's at DEFRA's training video, shall we?

Example #1: Most Misturbing

Meet transwoman, Miss Caroline Standish, whose contrived posture and prim enunciation is somehow indelibly embossed with the logo of Dick Emery's famed 'oh, you are awful' Mandy.

"Think of me as a 1980's coffee ad love interest" - Caroline,  She/Her/Purrs

Waltzing in with only slightly wobbly lippy, Miss Caroline appears at reception, informing the little desk lady there of her appointment at ten with Mr. Richard Carter.

It's a big deal. Miss Caroline has her large, spherical pearls on, shoulder pads - ok, maybe not shoulder pads - but she's in a ladies' suit and everything. 

She is anxious, tentative, unaware of her own blossoming and enduring legitimacy.

Please, Ms. desk lady, we the audience silently plead, just do your fucking job, yes? It shouldn't be too difficult. 

So, she calls through to inform 

Mr. Carter of the arrival, but she does so in the most sadistic manner possible - by stating 'a Mr. Standish' is here, and despite the death stare daggers emanating from Miss Caroline's smokey, mascara-heavy eyes, she only pushes on further.

Ex-fucking-cuse me?

Here, it is PROVEN she's up to no good; little desk lady is enacting terven-perpetuated trans genocide, and prints out a name badge for a 'Mr. C. Standish'. 

Gloves off. Can't she see the presentation? 

Look, Miss Caroline has eyebrows which feature just a single file row of hairs. This is a commitment which deserves respect. And pronouns, and none of your shit.

Desk bitch labels

And this is not the end to her evil bigotry: after holding out the badge for Miss Caroline, she does a classic, abusive 'nah!' move - suddenly declining the mutual touching of the same object.

So, like an 80's homophobe scared of catching AIDs, she places it on her desk and slides it over, at the precise moment Miss Caroline extends a manicured hand to take it. 

And she smirks.

"Mwahahaha, I am loving dehumanising you" - desk bitch

You know what it reminded me of? 

Of an older, more streetwise child asking another to high five them, only to taunt and defraud with the premeditated, swift movement of their hand or greater length of their arm. 'Too slow', they mock.

It's nasty. I just hope to God it isn't based on a true story.

We hear how women are catty monsters who can't just be nice to each other, but to see it first hand is chilling. 

Tragically, as if it was the plan all along, Caroline collapses into sizzling, bubbling cinders, like a witch slapped with water. She ceases to exist.

Not cool.

Example #2: Urine For It Cow

In the next clip we see an incident where yet another woman again deliberately excludes and harasses a Valued Person, just for her assigned sex at birth. 

Pensive & oppressed - Canesten-Lycra

We have no name for this brave actor, but I like to imagine it's double-barrelled and very much lady. Mx Canesten-Lycra, perhaps. 

It begins with a mundane enough workplace scene - a ciswoman exits the toilets, - but, what's this? 

Study her face properly, and you shall see the unmistakable traces of smug. Smug, so assured of her rightful place in that toilet. Taking for granted the accurate gender she was gifted at birth.

 

Epitome of self-assurance. Swagger and spite and all things shite.

And then - entering from the right is our trans mascot (If you say that in a rush, it sounds like a small bed made for the transmasculine baby. This is an underdeveloped market and a great idea and it's mine, before you try steal it).

With her demure but polystyrene dome breasts just tickling the screen, we all know of the impending battle.

In a blatant display of aSSUmINg GEnDEr, the cis-priviledged turns against her meek, lavatorily-challenged sister and spits at our heroine "sorry, love - the gent's is down the hall'.

Uppity - "excuse me, I'm the toilet police" - The Karen, probably 

Imagine how you would feel, Karen Jobsworth. You're not even in that toilet anymore, why are you policing its entry? Just. Let. Clarissa-Leviathon. Live. Her. Life.

Caustic-Lamprey - broken

With as much as it costs her internal self - the crushing of her desire to pass, and to pass water and bowel movements alongside her sisters, Candida-Laporoscopy holds her dignity together and, barely moving a plastic fibre trans-hair, glances up at her oppressor with a look of daring vulnerability, pleading for her own humanity. 

If only our heroine knew big she looked, compared to the villainous oppressor, who looks so small and insignificant in comparison

Seeking to avoid the bigotry, Cannula-Lido makes the powerful decision to not engage the toilet blocker, but continue to communicate with her eyes, like a silent movie star. 

No, she does not quite embody the grace of Greta Garbo, not yet, but she's only now learning to be the woman she always was. Sadly, we know the Karen will falsely describe her as a towering great lummox, who grunts, glowers, and stomps in a menacing and mindless, only slightly humanoid way. And not because there's a hint of Frankenstein's monster about her, but because Karen is a bigot.

Workplace transphobia: sadness in her eyes

The anguish is palpable.

Mustering more dignity than I could dream of, Cantankerous-Lurker does the only thing she can: she tries to squeeze past the irritation, using her DEFRA employment-training to entirely ignore the insignificant ant in her way. 

"Use the glare, don't let her oppress you" I privately willed her on... 

Nah fuck it, just swerve the dumb cow.

But what's this now? 

The workplace Karen (pretty sure we can all relate, amirite?) does the unthinkable - dodging backwards, like she's tackling a lady rugby player. In a show of arrogant power she wields her privilege and again tries to block access to the toilet, following up with another verbal volley: "you can't come in here - this is the ladies'. Gent's are along the hall". A double tap strike of transmisogyny. 

It's all too much. 

Finally, Cortina-Latrine gives up, and walks away.

Karen Jobsworth has won. Coventry-Luton retreats, dashing to her safe space in the hall. Next to a pot plant, just around the corner, which could be a toilet in these circumstances. 

Gazing on at her abuser, she can just wonder what it is like to be safe at work. 

Poignantly, our dejected victim walks away 

Karen - 'am I the cunt?'
Yes, Karen. Yes you are

This is a long stare, as shown by the film. What punishment would you suggest for the Karen? Discuss

Narcissism - the intimidation continues 

It's a moving portrayal, and we can only thank the team for that. Let's hope our trans sisters were fully supported throughout, and following. 

The Karen leaves her victim, having finally satisfied her sadist urges

Finally, we arrive back on the solid ground of male logic. 

These men helped us to understand the frequency of woman-place transphobia, and the harm it causes (HUGE. Suicide, genocide, bladder stress & less productive team members etc).

'Let's be rational & kind, not hysterical & menstrual' - Boss man

Mr. Boss relays to us how he found the light, and he looks like the open minded sort - hell, he might even have meetings on the golf course. 

It was an employee of his, who began work there as a man but then had to go through the painful metamorphosis of woman-becoming. 

He found it quite the journey, and ultimately concluded it was time to be brave and altruistic in business, to forge a kinder, gentler business culture. 

So he told the women to budge the fuck up and let his new woman employee into the toilets.

That woman is Debbie.

'When I become a woman next week, I'm concerned the bitches will be cray-cray' - Debbie

For reasons we should never ask about, and I shouldn't really question, it appears Debbie decided to do the interview retrospectively, as she was when a 'man',  and she does so extremely well. I hope this was not too traumatic and support was and remains on standby.

Still, I suppose, with this being a preview, the real magic is revealed in the full film, which should be publicly available, to my mind.

All of this was guided by Rachel, who enjoyed imagining herself with breasts. Which is entirely appropriate. 

"Big 'n bouncy, that's 'ow I like 'em" - Rachel

So, ladies: be kind. Be inclusive. And for pity's sake, stop being bitches at work.