Shrouded in the Kevlar of Trans Vulnerability - Other Voices, Other Lives & Times

Other Voices, Other Lives & Times

 Shrouded in the Kevlar of Trans Vulnerability

Introduction

As I wrote yesterday in The Underclass: Lives and Times in the Gutter, there are multiple silencing tactics used against women when speaking about their experiences  - and these days, many come from supposedly feminist women.  

Then, having seen a growing number of women speak about their bad interactions with gender-diverse males, Panoramic Views of the Underclass decided to publish some of them.

These are taboo, personal and frightening to share publicly, and the consequences of doing so can be serious. So we wish to give a voice to women who would like to speak about their experience of abuse from behind that trans 'vulnerability' shield.

To begin, we have Erin;

"I'm very anxious talking about this. Aside from it being very painful, I don't want it traced back to me. I'm surrounded by hyper-woke activists, they'd never let it go. I've already been called a liar, and I just can't manage with that again. I can't.

No one wants to believe that this stuff happens, that the identity of being trans is used as a disguise and cover. We cope with cognitive dissonance every time we see a story of a 'trans woman' who's accused of, or admitting to, some heinous crime. We try to rationalise it with the stock phrases and mantras we're taught; that bad people exist in all groups, that we can't punish a whole demographic because of one, or one hundred, bad apples; we can't talk about it because it will impact other trans women. There's this idea that masculinity is such a social imperative for men, so prized, they wouldn't reject that and fake being trans for nefarious or trivial reasons. That trans people are so endangered we must hold them to the lowest standard of expected behaviour or risk being responsible for their deaths.

This becomes a reflex. If these were just, straightforwardly, men - if we could see them as that without the shroud of deflective identity - we'd talk about believing women. We'd be reminding each other of how charming predatory men can be. We would share these stories - at least with friends, not battle on, shoving the incomprehensible disconnect back in its box. There's so many 'outliers' and those 'bad apples' just keep getting into the crate. I've seen the impact of that, and it's something I think we need to talk about. 

I've been asked for proof before, and I feel like I should maybe be providing it? But how do I prove a rape? A rape that didn't happen to me? I could show proof my friend is dead, but that would be wholly inappropriate and breaching the privacy of someone not here to defend herself. Someone who was hurting, badly.

It's difficult to reconcile who I am now with the person I was back then. I was young, and being played. I was blindsided by this spin of being trans; the famous vulnerability and earnestness, as well as the age-old believing in my man, not being able to see what was in him. It's something that's happened since forever. It's so often the women, the victims, who end up divided.

And we all know what TERFs do, don't we? TERFs like to make out that transwomen pose a threat to 'cis' women, and they weaponise these stories. I definitely did not want to be accused of this, the worst treachery and anti feminist move possible.

So, I can't prove it. Believe it or don't. I've no intention of getting into the trap of explaining the grief I'm left with. I live with horrible, nagging regret every day.

So, I had a boyfriend and I was younger. It's years ago now, and my boyfriend was presenting as a woman, called Jess - and that's how I treated them. He was into cute kawaii anime, and was, I thought, gentle, kind and genuine. So, I'd refer to him as she, as my girlfriend. But no longer.

(It carries some social kudos, going out with someone in the most oppressed group out there. It becomes a part of our identity sometimes.)

I also had a best friend, I'm going to call her Leah. 

Leah was troubled, she wasn't particularly reliable and I caught her out making stuff up before. After I got together with Jess she came to speak to me, and, she told me, that not long before Jess and I got together, Jess had raped her.

It didn't make sense, I couldn't believe it. I didn't believe her. Jess was not like that.

So I never asked 'her' about it - who wants to deal with that? It would blow up big time, and I knew Leah was prone to lying about things. It just didn't fit, at all, with what I knew about Jess, and what I thought I knew. I watched Jess's behaviour and attitudes and I just couldn't see it. Leah had lied about shit before. Jess was cutesy and girly, not a predator. There was just no way she could do it.

And I wasn't alone in this; no one believed it. Jess was the polar opposite of a rapist. 

So, we fell out. I stayed with Jess for a while but in the end it was one of the reasons we split up. I couldn't get it out my head entirely, and eventually I realised Jess really did have some 'issues' with consent; Jess was into horrible, abusive porn; Jess had a frightening temper and seemed to hate me for being a woman, could absolutely lose it and then act like everything was fine minutes later  - I realised it was true.

Leah was pretty into partying at this point and gave up on trying to make people listen. She had a new group of friends and they did a lot of drugs. The people in my social circle who did know just took it as more proof she was unbalanced and we didn't interact with each other, but she was getting more and more depressed and one day, Leah committed suicide. 

How could so many of us not see that girls like Leah are targeted because they're damaged, unreliable? It's such a classic sign of inner turmoil, like a kid looking lost in the street. Of course this is who gets preyed on.

But we continue to live in a society that has 'good' and 'bad' victims and talks about malicious accusations as if they make up the majority. We don't talk about how predators operate, and the fact that a man can, by saying he is trans, get such an invincible disguise is definitely not allowed. All this has happened, I'm so angry and hurt, it eats away at me, and I can't even talk about it.

After I split up with Jess he moved to the a country where being trans, 'queer' or gay is not a protected characteristic or treated as such. I see his social media profiles, and he is a guy now. No hint of the fact he was once 'trapped in the wrong body'; he left that terrible affliction, the dress up and a dead victim behind when he went to the airport. It was like it was another person had been my 'girlfriend' and raped Leah and now there's no trace of that 'woman' left.

I can't talk about this because there will be, literally, reprisals. Ive already been called a TERF (and lots worse, and harassed) because I spoke about this to a few people. That was by a friend!

What the fuck has happened to us as a society where this is the reaction? It's left me with this gnawing grief and regret, all bundled up like a shameful secret. 

I've seen what happens to people when they call out a trans woman as a rapist. I saw the demonising of Leah and how she was ostracised, and I've seen it since. I've seen stuff on online forums where someone is showing evidence of a much older, trans woman member sending explicit messages to her, a 14 yr old girl. She was kicked out of the group, and they covered it up, calling this kid a liar, until he did it again to someone else, and then more. They could have warned these girls but that was too damaging to 'the community.' 

The young girls on these groups truly believe that they have privilege and power over trans women, and should be making up for it constantly with money and nude pics and never saying 'no'. They desperately want approval from these people they see as peers and elders and it's ruthlessly exploited. If they speak out they will be humiliated and broken and ejected.

I've seen women talk about how they've been raped by a trans woman, with evidence or them admitting it, being harassed off of Facebook for talking about it because outing them puts them at risk. What the hell? Why are we supposed to care about that? How does this identity, which only needs a few words and some eyeliner, mean actual rapists can avoid responsibility? 

And if it isn't about the rapist's vulnerability, it's about all other trans people's existence and dignity and vulnerability. We're using 'TERF talking points' or dogwhistles or marginalising a group at risk of murder and suicide. Actual rape victims are being told to shut up and keep quiet because accusations ruin lives and you can't tar all with the same brush... It's the most misogynistic, right-wing, conservative narrative. I can't believe we've fallen into this, with the same people then tweeting about believing women and mocking the 'not all men' line.

The fact Jess was 'trans' is what made it impossible for anyone to believe 'she' was capable of it. And Leah not being believed is what pushed her over the edge. It started the spiral that led to her killing herself.

I wish every day I could change it, but it's too late. The least I should be able to do is talk about it, because this is happening out there and so many of us have been conditioned to see men as completely harmless, as innocent and vulnerable as children, once .they identify as trans.

I don't know how, collectively, we will deal with this when the fever breaks. I just hope it won't be long.