Trans Fam Part 1 - I, sometimes, blame the parents

Please see also TransParents - Theybies

Laurie Frankel in the New York Times, “From He to She in First Grade,” reviews transgender promotional material in Publisher’s Weekly, "The Transgender Child: A Handbook for Families and Professionals”:

“It is a very exciting time to be raising gender-variant and transgender children. . . . Congratulations. You are helping to change the world.”

This is a delicate subject, but I don't know if older notions of respect and not being seen to be intrusive is a great response in the long term.

The notion of the trans kid, that they know who they are, is pretty well constructed in our media. What specifically I'm interested in here is the parents who choose to be 'ambassadors' and invite the world's media into the lives of their children, during what is already an extremely sensitive time. If you read some of parent's accounts where they discovered that their child 'needed' to transition, you may notice some common themes, and I think there are some things we should look out for and question, instead of instantly falling into line, regurgitating the omnipresent narrative that these are the best parents, the bravest and proudest of their kids. Someone needs to acknowledge the potentially corrupting factors of money and fame.

The narrative of the courageous parent, putting their grief aside as they battle for their child is powerful - to many, it's appealing, a love-against-all-odds story. Finally, parents are open to their child's needs.

Considering how difficult it is to challenge anything with a rainbow-stamped approval, this is the ultimate tricky subject. You see these stories on allegedly progressive, humanitarian-left (i.e. chant miming) media, and any reticence is noted and condemned. Who are you to suggest you know their child better than they, these mamma-bears?

Because it normally is mothers. You'll see both parents as they perform the archetypal, perfectly-unusual family. In videos there'll be lots of scenes where wholesome meals are served and books are pored over at bedtime. The self-sacrifice is front and centre. We are directed to picture it as if they are defending their gay child as the neighbours tut and disapprove. And we need a bit of that, after millennia of homophobic estrangement and stories of conversion 'therapy'.

Here's an example; Mimi Lemay, who decided her daughter, on approaching her 5th birthday, was not only a boy, who then needed to be unveiled as such in school, to family and friends, but she needed to make this previously obscure and average family open to the world.

It is 'A Letter to my Son Jacob on his Fifth Birthday published in Boston.com, a subsidiary of The Boston Globe, with a readership of 130,000.

In her letter, which her child would likely not have been able to read, Mimi describes her excitement at finding out she was to have a girl; how she had filled the nursery with pink and frilly clothes, florals, matching bonnets and swimsuits for the impending baby and her elder sister. After delivery, Mimi and husband Joe were struck at the loud cry the little girl made -


"Your hearty, solid body, your pumping fists and legs and the surprised thought, “This one is a different model,’’ comparing you to your dainty sister"

As life went on, Jacob (then with a girl's name) was nicknamed the honey badger, such was her boisterousness. Jacob started to change her clothes multiple times a day - an early warning sign, Mimi reflects. Definitely not frustration at bonnets and restrictive dresses and hair adornments. At 3, Jacob declared herself a boy, and Mimi apparently acquiesced her clothing ideals, discussing how gender roles were unhelpful. In the next sentence, Mimi says she allowed the boy's clothes, telling Jacob "that gray was a perfectly acceptable favorite color for a 3-year-old girl".

Jacob continued to be bolshy and rebel, and one day, as she was nearing 4, a teacher suggested that Jacob might really believe she was a boy. "I stumbled through the next days in a painful haze. We were a few weeks shy of winter break, and I reached out to a friend of ours, a therapist who had worked with at-risk LGBTQ youth. As we stood doling out cheddar cheese bunnies and pretzels to our raucous offspring on a playdate, she confirmed my fears — we should consider that you might be transgender."

Immediately following this extremely wholesome image of an all-American playdate with doting mothers, advice was sought from gender specialists.

This is about a year before Mimi wrote her open letter. The link above directs to the second publishing, a year later. The story had been picked up by several news stations already.

But is this what it takes to evaluate a child? Chatting to the parent(s) and observing the child's behaviour on a playdate? We know how chaotic playdates can be, with the constant cries for mum's attention, interruptions and conversation broken to spare the children overhearing any unnecessary, concerning conversation? When Mimi asked her friend what the implications might be for a transgender child, we hear the attempted suicide of 40% of trans youth. It's not true, but has an air of self-fulfilling profesy to it. Suicide is contagious, especially with young people and people who are desperate to be taken seriously as really devoted to or needing of something. Suicide threats and attempts after teens are stopped from seeing a love interest, or from anorexics, are not used in this way.

It had been decided, Jacob was a boy. The letter went viral, a proliferation of media were welcomed into the private life of a tiny child, photos of the whole family accompanying them. During 2019 run up to the 2020 election, Jacob appeared in the CNN's presidential candidate town hall on LGBTQ rights. Asking what Elizabeth Warren would do for trans kids, 9 yr old Jacob was told s/he would have a say on who the Education Secretary would be if Warren won. Heart-warming.

I don't think it's difficult to see the intense gender roles here. The expectation of a mini-me in matching clothes for her sister. The shock at her loud, demanding cries and 'pumping' fists and legs. While Mimi has talks about the out-dated-ness of gendered clothes, she immediately reassures Jacob (herself?) that grey is fine for a little girl. Mimi is the one we hear from, husband Joe is in the background, apparently happy. Mimi is a very attractive

, well groomed woman who looks like the classic mother hen, enjoying the young years of three young children thoroughly, apparently not stressed. Even on the assessment/playdate, she describes herself in the kitchen, handing out snacks. When describing the clothes and nursery decor in preparation for her arrival, her joy is not veiled. It seems like while in theory gender non-conformity was tolerated, really it may be that it was in some way easier to see Jacob as a child who required support in a condition, and reap the attention and status as perfect mamma that our culture rewards this with.

Clearly Jacob is a strongwilled and atypical child. I wonder how much the dye is cast now. A year or so after Jacob barked and mimicked a dog, she is now he. And it wasn't just the family's only option, it was imperative this be shared with the world.

This family decided to go public with the truly amazing news that both of their children were trans: the elder, 11, female to male, the younger, 8, male to female. It's obviously impossible to make much of a judgement based on such a short video, but it seems extremely unlikely that two children would both feel such visceral unhappiness with their sex they need to transition to manage it unless something externally was also at play. And again, why the publicity? Why exactly is the need for society to know about these families a personal duty to fulfil? Do these kids benefit? Personally I can't imagine allowing this level of media intrusion into the life of a child, not unless it was vital for survival like in the case of fundraising for cancer treatment or bone marrow donation.

Janeen is the mother of Luna, 8. Here she tells her story of finally accepting her little boy was in fact a girl, at the age of three. Again, she has invited the world into the private life of a child who is unable to make that decision themselves. She had allowed Luna (the child's name has been changed by deed poll) to dress up outside of school - an understandable choice, but surely reinforcing the gender expectations and association with 'girl' clothes being about fun, freedom and expression? Was the deed poll change really necessary?

Jeneen also fell back on the classic suicide prevention line: “I can either have a dead son or a happy, confident daughter.”

It shouldn't be a huge surprise to hear that the group she reached out to for advice and support was Mermaids. Janeen is now comforted that Luna can live and ultimately find love as a girl, which may be an overly optimistic prognosis. I'm sure trans women can, of course have full and happy lives - we know they do - but it seems to gloss a feel-good narrative over the stark reality there will often be problems. Janeen is already talking about puberty blockers "if Luna decides". But this is far from plain sailing. Jazz Jennings took puberty blockers followed by cross sex hormones, meaning the gender
confirmation surgery, at 17, failed due to insufficient penile skin and an additional skin graft from the abdomen was needed, which first went very wrong and needed two follow up surgeries to correct. https://twitter.com/4th_WaveNow/status/925347924002988032?s=19. Jazz also, as is no surprise, feels no erotic sensation at all. So the hopeful reassurance about love for these children may be hampered by a lack of sexuality. Never mind the infertility, which is less easy to overlook the older one gets. It's obviously not a deal breaker - people may not want children, or already have their own to bring to a relationship, or maybe they want to foster and adopt. It's of course possible to live a happy, healthy life and never have kids, but knowing categorically it is off the table is quite an unusual and heavy burden on a teenager, least of all for a pre-teen to make that decision.

Here's one young man, detransitioning at 18 and in a state of fear and horror he still has the penis of a pre-pubertal boy

It is absolutely jaw-dropping this literal de-sexing of children is dismissed by the weight of a suicide trope which is both incorrect and unspeakably dangerous. I can't highly enough recommend the excellent analysis of Transgender Trend here - https://www.transgendertrend.com/the-suicide-myth/

I'm not suggesting I would know what to do, or that these parents hold a desire for their children to be trans. But I am concerned about the ad nauseam repetition of the suicide trope. Not only are the claims of Mermaids ridiculous, they are dangerous (see Sex, Lies, and an Invidious Landscape). There's never a parellel counter narrative that we may read in papers in which the child is photographed smiling and beautifully bonded with their parent. We know from these stories that the turmoil is terrible, these children are often inconsolable and absolutely insistent. However the answer sometimes is to allow the clothes, the hair (why not? If we can't protect kids from the subsequent bullying as they are, how are we protecting them when they do the same but also change name and pronouns?) but stick to the brutal, incontrovertible truth - they are the sex they are. They will probably grow out of it, and as adults full sexual function is a beautiful and precious aspect of life.

Therapy may be the answer. If it concerns older children a good place to start is to look at any visceral feeling of homophobia. These children often do not see transition as the answer after puberty. They are often gay or lesbian, too.

This may also uncover more devastating truths, namely that sexual abuse or exposure to violent and degrading porn, only a couple of clicks away, can create a desperate child wanting to run from any and all association with an adult body, and thus sex itself.

The Daily Mail tells the story of Jamie and her child Dempsey, eight. Put forth in a headline that, like Janeen's, uses defiant prose - "mum ACCUSED OF CHILD ABUSE for letting her child transition". Janeen and Jamie both describe an early orientation towards dolls, dresses and long hair. In fact, Jamie goes so far as to say 'She would become hysterical and visibly traumatized when we cut her hair"

I'm yet to understand why anyone would be so fervently invested in conforming to gender roles they would insist their little boy had to have short hair even if it meant they were hysterical and left traumatised. Quite frankly, what the fuck? If it was bullying they were concerned about, what makes them think the teasing of a primary age child is more significant than having their parents overrule their bodily autonomy? Is 'you look like a girl' more damaging than being left traumatised by the unnecessary cutting of hair and consequent loss of trust in a parent? How could the parent do that? And why is it such a non-negotiable that no boy can have long hair because of bullying, but simultaneously liberating to reintroduce a child to school as a different sex?

Surely, the trick to managing bullying is to give the child inner resilience? For the child to make the choice to have longer hair, to know other kids might take the piss but that it's weak, it's regressive, and they have been taught it. Maybe a little like how kids are taught transphobia is harmful, learnt and untolerable?

This inner resilience is in desperately short supply in trans literature. The suicide lines, the self harm, the risk of parental alienation if the parentbdoes not acquiesce to their child's demands. All of it teaches society and trans people themselves that they are fragile as spun glass; the act of 'deadnaming' or 'misgendering' can be deadly; not being accepted, or being 'outed' is too; that women who care about their sex based rights are TERFs and TERFs want to deny humanity, erase identity, exclude and harm trans people; that everything not explicitly affirmative is a dog whistle and of course, trans people are murdered in a growing epidemic of transphobic hate.

Clinicians at the Tavistock had claimed that children went through terrible homophobic bullying until coming out as trans, and then being more popular than ever. We have to give some thought as to the love-bombing these kids can experience; the outside support which may include their parents being cautioned and reprimanded by the school, therapists, even the courts. If the parents still drag their feet, they have a whole 'rainbow family' waiting with open arms, pep talks and scornful words for mum and dad. If only children experiencing homophobic bullying at school or home got this level of institutional handholding. Add to this the parents have at times been reported as finding a trans child easier to stomach as a gay one, I think there's some dangerous thinking going on here.

Jamie says Dempsey would return home from preschool crying, saying that playing with 'girls' toys had resulted in name calling. That's a very strict environment. I wonder what could be reinforcing this gender binary? It's startling this is at preschool. What did they do to address this?

Well, Jamie and husband Dennis went and spoke to the preschool about Dempsey's "toy preferences and gender non-conforming expression"

'They told us that they accepted Dempsey as she was but couldn't stop the bullying by other children if she chose to wear feminine accessories"

In preschool? The heavy teacher / student ratio can't prevent everything, maybe, but why not demand they address this? Why not insist that they get in early with anti-bullying lessons and conversation over the cruelty and inexcusable nature of it? Jamie goes on "at this time, Dempsey was still insistent on using he/him pronouns, which made the situation difficult at that time." I'm sorry, I can't believe this. It really seems it was a simpler and easier to categorise, and possibly, evade the judgement we feel as parents. "My child isn't strange, my child has a medical condition which is today's cause célèb".

Dempsey was four when she was diagnosed with gender dysphoria by a paediatric mental health professional. I'm pretty sure that's impossibly early. While there may have been many signs, this is a child barely able to articulate basic emotions. Why does it need labelling at four? Interestingly, the article mentions how one former paediatrician said Dempsey was going through a phase, and 'transgenderism isn't real'. Jamie claims this paediatrician then spoke about the family behind her back and referred to them as freaks - that'san extremely serious breach of professional conduct. How this was discovered is not divulged, and what happened after is not, either. But, we know one paediatrician dismissed the idea this child is trans, and that's one they dumped

The misinformed comments from other adults began. This apparently inspired them to start an Instagram account to follow Dempsey's journey and to educate others on what it means to be trans.

Somehow this was a better option than going into the school to insist some much needed anti-bullying and gender demolition be considered. Or even a meeting with other parents, maybe beginning with the more sympathetic ones, to form a core support around this kid. No, everything specifically centred on this child and their special requirements. Remove all boundaries and privacy in the world of a struggling, confused and targeted child...

Once, Dempsey was in the trolley at a supermarket, still with short hair but in a dress and holding a dolly. While sat, trapped in this trolley a man apparently thought it was his prerogative to question Dempsey and asked if the dress and doll belonged to a sister. We're told that Dempsey replied, "No, these are my things" which is a great answer. The man replied that "This is disgusting, you're a boy." He then turned to look at Dad, "telling him that we were bad parents and should be reported for child abuse" so dad, Dennis, issued a mind your own business instruction along with a couple of curse words. This sounds like a heavily gender stereotyped culture. It's amazing to me a random guy would see fit to challenge such a small child when being pushed around in a supermarket by their dad. It's extremely sad, and infuriating. Now Dempsey has long hair is as such less clockable as a boy, why invite more intrusion?
So, this is the narrative: loving family against the world. There's a hundred or more others we could look at with the same threads; the attraction to the 'wrong' toys and clothes, the tears, the fights, the struggle to accept and to gain acceptance from others. These stories do not obscure the face of these kids, they lay bare their internal struggles while never delving into anything more personal, because they can't. But, like with Susie Green's TedTalk, early rows based on the response of a homophobic parent seem common in the adult's stories. The fear of bullying and inability to have it addressed are common, but, as obviously it is unethical, sexual abuse is also never spoken of. It's impossible to dig deeper with an innocent child's face beamed at you. We can't discuss what we might otherwise. It's a rainbow wrapper around a completed, indisputable story.
Our better instincts tell us not to mess with this; not to criticise other parents and not to drag out further details of the life of a child, placed front and centre in the happy tale of how to flourish in adversity. How these children may struggle later on, especially if they begin to desist, is anyone's guess - and I hope it's all unicorns, triumph-through-adversity too. I do. Just, forgive my reticence in calling this now.