This week I had a friend do a very public, performative call out on my apparent bigotry. The seriousness of the allegations made against me with vagueness and blustering are an interesting tactic I've seen before.
WITH EVERYONE I ARGUE WITH ABOUT THIS, THERE'S A DESPERATE BID TO SILENCE ME. YOU NEED ME TO SHUT UP, IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW MANY FALLACIES YOU'RE SHOWN TO RELY ON WHILE TRYING TO 'WIN', YOU MUST BE RIGHT AND I MUST BE WRONG. "JUST STOP!" YOU SCREAM WHILE CALLING YOURSELF THE RATIONAL AND KIND ONE.
We were friends. You, I thought, had a good idea of who I am, what I care about and how I treat people. But then you saw another, strawman me, and you had to condemn it. Strangest of all was, somehow it was inevitable this would happen.
I wasnt using slurs, I never have. I didn't target anyone, I wasn't displaying apathy or contempt for other people's lives and dignity. It's inexplicable, to me, this can skew your opinion of me 180°, turning your every estimation of me on its head.
This isn't an aberration on my part, though, is it? You are the changed person here. It's like you lost all recourse to critical thought.
You developed blocks to deflect my words, with prefabricated, pre-emptive strikes at the ready, as if bulldozing over points I'd made before would leave me with nothing but surrender. You ranted in abstract with fury, supposedly directed at no one, while clearly intended for me. The furious words you spat came out screaming, and then at the last-minute they swerved, turning into oblique hits or even a form of threat.
Until I asked you, where then you began claiming I had it wrong. I was paranoid. I felt pretty resigned to what was coming.
Ultimately, like others before, you hermetically sealed yourself off to everything I said, determined to view it as something it is not.
For someone who burst into my comments months ago, unleashing polemics that were built of total misconceptions and myths, which were proven wrong - I guess it's obvious you couldn't challenge what I was actually saying.
I never met you with the anger you directed at me - I told you I was happy to talk now or later, online or in private. I wasn't accusatory. I wasn't smug once you eventually conceded you'd been unfair or got stuff wrong. I never brought the argument to your posts, which often covered the same issue.
There was so much venom, so many cumbersome tropes, all weilded like battering rams to smash these bad, bad thoughts of mine into smithereens.
I explained they were wrong. I gave you reliable sources. No, trans people are not murdered at a disproportionate rate, and no I'm not saying GRS should be banned. Puberty blockers are not 'entirely reversible', they do have serious side effects. Yes, men absolutely have abused trans inclusivity to victimise women and girls, and that is a fucking problem. Or isn't it?
I said I was glad you were sticking around, even though, if this had happened in any other context I can think of, I'd have fully, angrily defended myself. I did this hoping you might see where I was coming from, because I know this shit is everywhere, because I know it takes time and courage to question the 'un-debatable'. And you knew enough about me to know I'm not a rabid, hate-powered fanatic. Surely, you knew that?
Maybe you believed this was a huge flaw in my otherwise agreeable politics, that I'd fallen victim to online misinformation. I don't understand how we remained friends if that isn't the case.
On that post all those months ago, two trans people stepped in to defend me - but that wasn't good enough - it still must be hate. These are the trans people you can ignore. These people are brainwashed, and, obviously as my friends they must be handpicked as the atypical self-haters they are. Victims of Stockholm syndrome, manipulated chumps. And it's completely unproblematic for you to say so - although if I'm ever heard questioning affirmation and pubertal suppression for a 10 yr old somewhere, that is deeply offensive. How dare I suggest I know them better than they do?
No amount of care on anyone's part to calmly articulate the problems of any trashy trope, shit argument, lie - none was ever going to meet that gold standard of 'acceptance' which you demand but never extend.
Everything I and anyone else defending me has to say must be framed as a consequence of hate or misinformation, regardless of how every source, every tactic you have of dismissing me is shown to be one-sided, unsubstantiated, full of holes, wrong. It's like arguing that a turd on the pavement is shit and not chocolate, only to realise the people claiming chocolate are copraphagiac and have ingested all the evidence.
It's revolting, and maybe malicious to make them acknowledge their mistake. Call them some help, but don't humiliate them. Leave whatever pride they have intact.
I tried to leave your pride intact.
You went quiet for a while, you didn't raise it again, or at least not directly. We spoke on other things and you recently saw me challenge someone who was genuinely bigoted and making wild generalisations about the actions and beliefs of you and people like you. I didn't go nuts at them, I countered what they said - like adults are supposed to. The reticence you displayed in putting those little like and love emojis on my comments should have given me warning you were drifting away. It was definitely out of character.
Over the last few months I've been involved in multiple spats online that have escalated to the point I've been very upset. In one I had told a man that he was in fact wrong, and unisex facilities were more dangerous for women and girls than single sex ones. Afterwards I received an unhinged series of private messages from a trans woman who threatened to smash my face 'into the kerb until it's nothing' and rape me (despite finding me physically repulsive, apparently).
I'd never spoken to this person and, after finding out they had previously stalked a woman (and posted hundreds of rants on social media about her, naming her, obsessing on what they percieved as flirting) I made a police report. It was deranged, detailed and totally unsolicited.
You saw these messages, and you saw what had started it, but didn't respond. You just ignored it entirely.
After another argument I posted screenshots of the typical behaviour that you yourself have just displayed. A long conversation with a group of men and their support females had been marked with relentless strawmanning and insults. Men, and sadly some women, who's idea of feminism is comprised in entirety by 'my body, my choice' and some bastardised, shallow chant about 'equality', delighting in the freedom they had to unleash harassment on women.
It was a post about the inclusion of trans women in sensitive, same-sex spaces like prisons and refuges - something I objectively know more about than you do, being I have lived it. As much as you claim solidarity with the vulnerable, and you have minority status that undoubtedly negatively effects your life, you were well brought up by loving family, accessed higher education, have never been homeless or left without any family support. You don't understand how life works in these places, and it shows. It jumps out in flashing neon lights.
At the start I had spoken to a trans woman who was scared of male spaces and I had sympathised and agreed she shouldn't be in a men's prison if convicted tomorrow, and of course trans people need refuges. We actually achieved that rare thing of finding some common ground and amity. I was grateful to be reminded of her feelings, and the reality of, her vulnerability, she seemed more thoughtful too. After this, the swivel-eyed mob launched an attack, and myself and two other women were called bitches, bigots, told we were hysterical and twisted, right-wing, fascist and vile.
After the abuse, the sexist jibes and deliberate distortion, I was told my comments had been threatening and transphobic. I knew that wasn't true, of course, so I asked the man accusing me to show me an example of my abusive behaviour. He called me a 'dumb bitch' and suggested I'd make better use of my time by beating up black kids*.
I kept asking, he got more offensive. He spent hundreds of words telling me how I was bitter and angry because I'm a jealous harridan and no one will fuck me. He seemed to have limitless time and fury to vent about how he had found me out and exposed my disgusting ethics - but no example of my supposedly cruel, insulting comments emerged. That's because it didn't exist. I might be combative and gobby, but I'm careful and I'm not transphobic.
But there's no trick a TERF won't pull, and it was nothing more than an indictment on my manipulative tactics, my attempts to veil my genocidal hate and wish to segregate others as reasoned argument and concern.
*Of course, the 'beating up black kids' was completely unremarkable to you, despite you knowing me pretty well. Despite you very recently having witnessed me challenge racism (which I had no reason to think you would ever see). Because there can be no explanation for my views except for hatred. That's it, isn't it? And that is why you don't want to hear an explanation, because why would you want to see it isn't, that it's founded in reality? Why would you - trademarked as a strong, outspoken feminist and irrepressible 'nasty woman' - choose to understand what I'm saying and run the risk of opening those brave, wide eyes to what is everywhere? When you yourself are abusing me now, fully aware of the power of the term TERF and how it enables unrelenting pile-ons, misogyny and threats.
This was clearly getting at you for a while, and I wish you'd taken me up on that offer to talk, though I understand why you didn't. You and every other friend who has denounced me as a TERF has exited via the exact same door: by public call out, waiting for the prime moment for theatrical support from onlookers, or slinking off in the aftermath of someone else's spectacle. None of you ever engage with any specific point; just make hackneyed, condemnatory accusations and assert your moral superiority.
I think this is why we have TERF block lists, a 'no debate' culture. Cut us off like a cancer - never, ever take up the chance to speak privately - repeat the hail Mary of 'trans people exist' as if it rids my views from every cell of your better being. You're the Thatcher government of negotiation, but without even the backstage arbitration. Just an impermeable sphere of closed ranks and hostility.
You chose to call me a bigot and renounce me with dramatic timing, in a foot-long screed, on a public post on Facebook. I'd said something pretty anodyne; that medical ethics had been sleeping through the surge in unscrupulous surgeons who advertise mastectomy as a miracle fix on Instagram to teenagers, using teenage clients as props, in a way we would deplore if they were breast implants. The conversation evolved with other people, we discussed this glowing, sanitised front page depiction of brave trans kids. I was concerned about the massive increase in kids coming out as trans and that puberty blockers were still being portrayed as a sensible, reversible treatment without major side effect.
You saw a trans woman launch into a tirade against me, and then screenshot my profile picture to compare to theirs, saying I was ugly and mannish and they hope I too can pass one day. Then you struck.
"I'm done with you now. After all the times I have tried to show you how harmful this is, you, nonetheless, continue to use damaging misinformation, lies and prejudice against one of the most marginalised groups in our society. I see you repeat the same bigoted, transphobic lines, your refrain is as repetitive as it is telling - you are being abused by sexists, people irrationally accuse you of hate. But still, here you are, furthering the oppression of trans and gender non-conforming folk with constant gaslighting, dangerous tropes and harmful talking points. You are toxic and unforgivably cruel. And let's be clear, you are no victim, you are the perpetrator. If people respond with anger you have anyone to blame but yourself'.
Then you went about putting those little love emojis on every comment of the trans woman calling me ugly and blokey compared to their better woman-ing - which was delusional - but I don't want to get into this anti-feminist idiocy or show my profile picture here, so believe it or don't.
I didn't see it at first, as several other people had joined in on the thread and you had written my name in full on another subthread, without tagging me. I suspect some of the others joining in were your friends - sure I'd spoken to one before.
When I did see it, maybe 12 hours had passed. I thought back to the threats of rape and kerb-stomping, the misogyny and 'bitch'es and a pang of hurt, anxiety and anger shot through my chest. I felt like I'd been winded, my hands shook. I guess I then slipped into my necessary, protective creation - my character mode: unemotional and focused. Wanting to get to the point. I always think about what made me, pre-peaking, feel empowered to think outside of the prescribed lines and feel ok with my opinion and beliefs, and it was seeing these rows; the barrage of shit and bad faith arguments thrown at women who were being rational. Seeing them ridiculed by sexist idiots who missed every point and entered into a frenzy of 10 minute hate. I always think back to that because I remember how gutting, scary and alienating it was to realise the popular side I'd automatically stood with was talking shit, and the 'bad guys' in fact had won the argument and not shown any of the hate they'd been accused of. Also, I just wanted to know what exactly I had done.
I said I was sad you'd chosen this place to air your grievances - but whatever - where had I been abusive, toxic, transphobic? Who had I gaslit? Had you seen the shit that had just been levelled at me? Where had I got close to anything resembling what you were accusing me of?
It was the best part of a day before you responded. In that time you'd had access to my profile, as neither of us had un-friended the other.
"I'm not even the target of your nasty campaign and yet you're hurting me. Are you even listening to what I am telling you? Does any of this penetrate your skull? Why are you doing this? You just can't let trans people be, always chipping away at their validity and dignity'
I asked you, again, where had I been abusive or transphobic or hateful? You didn't respond, and a few hours later I removed you from my friends list but I didn't block you. The trans woman and the new pack of dog-pilers put their little hearts on your comments, joined in on yet another subthread about how my behaviour must have been so hard for you and well done on being an amazing ally.
Of fucking course you want your bubble of harmonious camaraderie with its synchronised outrage and mutual preening. It must feel great, but I guess the troubling spectre of cognitive dissonance is an ever-looming, existential threat to your group survival. It's kind of irrelevant how weak the defence is, it's like having a fake CCTV camera with a solar powered LED light - it might not work, but it's still better than nothing and should scare people off. None of these arguments are arguments, you haven't read the literature you post instead of responding with your own words. It's not a difference of opinion, it's a defensive mechanism that only becomes more desperate and angry the more it's tested. There's no integrity to any of it.
I am always careful with my words, especially online. I never 'misgender', although I might awkwardly skip around pronouns sometimes. And I think I take up prejudicial comments pretty even-handedly. If anyone ever uses a slur like 'tranny' I call them out. If anyone makes derogatory jokes or cruel remarks I call them out. I'm sure you're convinced this is entirely a game but it genuinely does bother me. I guess the part that is a game is I don't want it made easier to depict my opinion as based on prejudice and revulsion, I want that very clear. I am careful to make actual arguments and not use ad homs or strawmen because there's so much stuff I need to talk about. I know in the past I've been unnecessarily abrasive and bellicose and I've grown up a bit. I actually care, for other people as well as for myself and mine. I do not want bigoted bastards to be aligned with me. I don't want to harm anyone.
I also know I'm not perfect - of course. When I'm defending myself against allegations of bigotry and feeling attacked, that is the exact time those seeds of prejudice can begin to germinate. I don't want to be an arsehole. I still read things I disagree with, everyday, and I try to manage my internal defences. If I've said or done something that harms people - I want to know. How many times have I said so? But you won't get through to me with nebulous indictment that's then retracted or re-positioned if I ask if it's aimed at me. You won't get through to me by trying shame-inducing language when I'm begging you for the detail and example. It just makes me think you're chatting shit.
If I was you, I'd have given examples. If I knew someone who was perpetuating harmful rhetoric against vulnerable people, and that person was within reach - i.e. not reacting with censorious fury, but asking for me to illustrate how and where, I'd be absolutely fucking sure to provide it. I'd have them already in my head (certainly wouldn't go on the assault without them) and if I didn't, but I still could look through their profile and screenshot everything they'd said that demonstrated it, I'd do that. I'd spell it out and try to do so in a way which actually got through to them, not orchestrate a theatrical flounce to the applause of others. How do you change people's minds? How do you challenge someone who's views otherwise align with your own on racism, homophobia, environmental issues, most political arguments? Did you want to change my mind, and stop me from hurting people, or just dramatically disown me with the benefit of a studio audience and prompted cheers?
It all seems very contrived to me. A desperate act trying to provoke my vitriol so you could walk away certain I was in the wrong, full of hatred. Truth is you couldn't find an example, and my asking for it made that cognitive dissonance even more urgent to quell.
So, this, I theorise, is why you are desperate to barricade my voice out of your synthetic feminism, activism and social justice. It's as welcome an interjection of realism as the ringing of an alarm after a sleepless night. Let's just get back in the group-isolation tank and reassure ourselves, eh?
If you really believe you are right, leaning on an argument which is then shown to be fallacious isn't going to change your mind. If I argued that conversion therapy is wrong and it turned out a 'fact' of its consequences I'd used was in fact bullshit, I wouldn't concede that actually, no, it must be ok. So I understand the futility of dismantling the myths because you're not meant to be arguing this based on fact and matter, you're supposed to be arguing this because it's an ethical imperative - your moral duty, expectations you must fulfil to be worthwhile. This is about faith. Which is why you mustn't be led astray or fraternise with heretics. You must stay a pure, evangelical and devout member of the flock.
But I wish you could see that when one defensive, learnt-by-rote statement is dismantled, and then the next, and it's shown there are huge holes here, terrible omissions there, it might be that actually the whole thing is a house of cards.
The fact you've responded like every other person I've fallen out with on this - there's honestly no difference in the routine, the evasion and the angry dismissal. And you need total certainty on things, even if it's from a rented costume hire. You need your chanting 'comrades', you lean on a shallow, reactionary, package-deal ideology of what makes a 'leftist', even if sometimes you show real insight and knowledge in other areas. It's cowardice multipled by the implicit assumption you will never be hurt if you're 'kind'. Which is a big mistake. And it certainly isn't brave, or independent, and least of all feminist. I don't know how long this madness will last, but I sense it won't be long. And when it crashes, we really will need to talk.
